For those who know me, you know how deeply I love the people in my life. It has been said that nothing can separate you from the love of God and Miss Pattie. SO if I love you, you got it forever. I also have heaps and heaps of love to share with those in my life (and yes I know it sometimes comes in many ways including a "butt kicking" or sarcasm and ginormous hugs). With Valentine's Day a few days away, I thought it would be a good time to describe God's kind of love that I've been living lately.
I know that I have a birth family out there and I know where they live (not to sound stalking or anything). Sometimes when I'm alone and quiet I run through my head different scenarios of how a reunion may take place, what I might say, act, behave, etc.. I also would click on certain fb pages to see what they were doing. Recently I discovered that this was not really healthy for me and would sometimes make me lose sleep and kind of just bring me to that dark place of questions and rejection.
I needed to do something new.
God directed me to change my behavior. When the ideas to "dream" and the urges to "click"would come I needed to do something else. I started to pray. To pray for them to know God's goodness, to pray for blessings, to pray for protection, to pray for health, to pray for them to sense God in their life, to know that God love's them.
As I started doing this, I felt peace and my love for them grew. As I did this, God started reveal something about Him to me. These women have never met me. Two of them don't even know that I exist.... (see where I'm going yet) I have a &^$%#$@ load of love to give to these women but they don't know I'm here.
God loves you, He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants good things in your life. He has so much love to give you. You may not know him.
God is showing me how He loves. And how to love more like Him.
Will this lead to reunion??? Who knows??? I don't need to know. I want so very much for them to find me, meet me, know me. That may never happen but that isn't changing the love that is in my heart for them. Just like our Father's love.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
an adoptee defines family
This search has been full of ups and downs.
But isn't life like that?
This past year has had one of the most difficult parts, what's known as the second rejection. At times I really didn't feel like I would or could recover from it. With the help of prayer, dear friends and Jesus I did.
I've learned that it is better to get what you need instead of what you want.
After my mom passed and then my aunt, I felt very disconnected to things here. Yes I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids but the anchor holding me here seemed to disappear. Being adopted, I felt orphaned again. No heritage, lineage, ancestry. I believe that was the biggest motivator in my search, to find a place where I belonged. An origin. Before you get all spiritual on me, I know I'm a daughter of the most High God, created in His image, with a hope and a future. But I had no roots. A dear friend, who passed away a few weeks ago, enlightened me to the fact that my grief of losing my mom was driving me forward in this search and helped me realize what my grief had been doing.
My dad had passed away when I was 14 and have had little if any interaction with his family after his funeral. A little while back I used social media to reconnect with some second cousins as we reminisced about a family vacation spot that we had all shared, a place that was held dear in our heart and only we would understand. A few months later my brother and I received an e-mail from my dad's last living cousin, inviting us to a family reunion. I have to say we were a bit apprehensive about going since it had been 4 decades since we had anything to do with them.
So the weekend came, it started out very very difficult, you see it started out burying this dear friend who had encouraged me and helped to lift me out of the hurt place of the second rejection. Tears in my eyes, my husband and I got in the car and began the 4 hour drive to Connecticut, on the way we shared a pizza and tears with my college roommate. God knows who I need and when. We arrived at the reunion, I met my brother at the door of the Inn and walked in.... walked in to open arms and hearts. This weekend I met my family. period. my family. These people accepted me as one of their own, no strings. My brother and I had to remind them that we were adopted a few times when they mentioned family traits and resemblances. Their reaction... "every family has a story" "we're still family". You see as a child there were members of this family who reminded us ALL the time that we were not blood relatives. Those people are deceased and buried with them seems to be that attitude... Thank you Jesus. This weekend (and in the weeks since) I was told of my heritage, my ancestry, where my father came from. We shared stories, we compared "notes", we talked politics and religion (with out fighting), we reminisced about those who are gone and places we shared, I confessed that I was a Mets fan. We built relationships and bonds.
We were a family in EVERY sense of the word.
God gave me a family.... one that wanted me.... wanted to meet me and continue a relationship with me. I got grounded again. Healed. anchored I became a part of a big picture. He gave me a family I needed.
Now for those who think I still don't want to meet my birth family. You're wrong, I do.... but I can meet them now with a healed heart. Does this mean that God will open that door for me.. I don't know? And shhhhh don't tell anyone but part of my birth family lives in a village near the reunion and we did drive by their houses and I did see a member of that family in flesh and blood... yeah I did that.
SO I move forward. Waiting for what God has in store for me. I look forward to the next reunion. I look forward to chats on social media. I look forward to restored relationships... families are still broken. I look forward to my kids meeting my family...... all of them.
Psalm 27:10-14 (NLT)
But isn't life like that?
This past year has had one of the most difficult parts, what's known as the second rejection. At times I really didn't feel like I would or could recover from it. With the help of prayer, dear friends and Jesus I did.
I've learned that it is better to get what you need instead of what you want.
After my mom passed and then my aunt, I felt very disconnected to things here. Yes I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids but the anchor holding me here seemed to disappear. Being adopted, I felt orphaned again. No heritage, lineage, ancestry. I believe that was the biggest motivator in my search, to find a place where I belonged. An origin. Before you get all spiritual on me, I know I'm a daughter of the most High God, created in His image, with a hope and a future. But I had no roots. A dear friend, who passed away a few weeks ago, enlightened me to the fact that my grief of losing my mom was driving me forward in this search and helped me realize what my grief had been doing.
My dad had passed away when I was 14 and have had little if any interaction with his family after his funeral. A little while back I used social media to reconnect with some second cousins as we reminisced about a family vacation spot that we had all shared, a place that was held dear in our heart and only we would understand. A few months later my brother and I received an e-mail from my dad's last living cousin, inviting us to a family reunion. I have to say we were a bit apprehensive about going since it had been 4 decades since we had anything to do with them.
So the weekend came, it started out very very difficult, you see it started out burying this dear friend who had encouraged me and helped to lift me out of the hurt place of the second rejection. Tears in my eyes, my husband and I got in the car and began the 4 hour drive to Connecticut, on the way we shared a pizza and tears with my college roommate. God knows who I need and when. We arrived at the reunion, I met my brother at the door of the Inn and walked in.... walked in to open arms and hearts. This weekend I met my family. period. my family. These people accepted me as one of their own, no strings. My brother and I had to remind them that we were adopted a few times when they mentioned family traits and resemblances. Their reaction... "every family has a story" "we're still family". You see as a child there were members of this family who reminded us ALL the time that we were not blood relatives. Those people are deceased and buried with them seems to be that attitude... Thank you Jesus. This weekend (and in the weeks since) I was told of my heritage, my ancestry, where my father came from. We shared stories, we compared "notes", we talked politics and religion (with out fighting), we reminisced about those who are gone and places we shared, I confessed that I was a Mets fan. We built relationships and bonds.
We were a family in EVERY sense of the word.
God gave me a family.... one that wanted me.... wanted to meet me and continue a relationship with me. I got grounded again. Healed. anchored I became a part of a big picture. He gave me a family I needed.
Now for those who think I still don't want to meet my birth family. You're wrong, I do.... but I can meet them now with a healed heart. Does this mean that God will open that door for me.. I don't know? And shhhhh don't tell anyone but part of my birth family lives in a village near the reunion and we did drive by their houses and I did see a member of that family in flesh and blood... yeah I did that.
SO I move forward. Waiting for what God has in store for me. I look forward to the next reunion. I look forward to chats on social media. I look forward to restored relationships... families are still broken. I look forward to my kids meeting my family...... all of them.
Psalm 27:10-14 (NLT)
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.
Teach me how to live, O LORD . Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the LORD ’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.
Wait patiently for the LORD . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD .
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Guidelines for the search -
I was chatting with a new searcher the other day and going over where to get information for her search and then started to share with her things that could happen and what she might expect. I thought to myself... hey self... I've seen a ton of the how to and where to go but not a lot of what can happen along the way... why don't you post some direction and insight... so here goes!!
1. Remember that you are not alone...
2. You will feel alone.
3. Things can happen quickly
4. Things can take forever
5. Friends can be very supportive
6. Friends can be very discouraging
7. This journey can be ALL consuming
8. You have a life to be lived today in the present.
9. You may have a wonderful reunion
10. You may never find the one you are looking for.... and it has to be okay
11. The end may not be the end.... just a pause for God to do something else
12. We (adoptees) have rights that have been denied to us... the right to know our origins...you can fight for this right but not everyone has to be an advocate.... some of us just support the cause.
13. The adoption process is and has been corrupt. This won't change over night... you do not have to live as a victim of this broken system. There are MANY children who's lives have been saved through adoption... There ARE good adoption stories... Happy families... Loving homes.
14. EVERY family is different adopted and natural (hate that term)
15. Only God will open doors and close them too.
16. God's plan in perfect... humans can mess it up.
17. We all look for familiar faces - natural families don't always look alike
18. To be respected you should be respectful. Honor your parents. (both sets) God has a promise that goes with that one.
19. In your search you may find friends in high places... protect them so others will still have have resource
20.Thank those who help you - many have already been through the pain of their search and may still need encouragement once in a while
21. Help those in their journey- guide, encourage, listen, listen, listen, advise but be careful.. your journey might be different
22. Cry with those who cry, rejoice with those who rejoice.
23. Don't get bitter at those who have happy endings when yours isn't working out well.
24. When you are rejoicing.. be mindful of those who can't yet.
That's all I have right now.... comment below if you think I've missed something... I probably have.
1. Remember that you are not alone...
2. You will feel alone.
3. Things can happen quickly
4. Things can take forever
5. Friends can be very supportive
6. Friends can be very discouraging
7. This journey can be ALL consuming
8. You have a life to be lived today in the present.
9. You may have a wonderful reunion
10. You may never find the one you are looking for.... and it has to be okay
11. The end may not be the end.... just a pause for God to do something else
12. We (adoptees) have rights that have been denied to us... the right to know our origins...you can fight for this right but not everyone has to be an advocate.... some of us just support the cause.
13. The adoption process is and has been corrupt. This won't change over night... you do not have to live as a victim of this broken system. There are MANY children who's lives have been saved through adoption... There ARE good adoption stories... Happy families... Loving homes.
14. EVERY family is different adopted and natural (hate that term)
15. Only God will open doors and close them too.
16. God's plan in perfect... humans can mess it up.
17. We all look for familiar faces - natural families don't always look alike
18. To be respected you should be respectful. Honor your parents. (both sets) God has a promise that goes with that one.
19. In your search you may find friends in high places... protect them so others will still have have resource
20.Thank those who help you - many have already been through the pain of their search and may still need encouragement once in a while
21. Help those in their journey- guide, encourage, listen, listen, listen, advise but be careful.. your journey might be different
22. Cry with those who cry, rejoice with those who rejoice.
23. Don't get bitter at those who have happy endings when yours isn't working out well.
24. When you are rejoicing.. be mindful of those who can't yet.
That's all I have right now.... comment below if you think I've missed something... I probably have.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Broken expectations
The other day I was reading my devotions and skimmed some words and together came up with Broken Expectations. I stopped and pondered those words... broken expectations.
Have you even had expectations that broke... that you'd dream would go a certain way and for no reason that makes sense ... didn't go the way you'd expect them to? They broke... Recently I've had a number of broken expectations.. not just in my journey but in many areas...
I expected to have found a house, a calling, a direction etc. by now. I've been asking God and seeking for over 5 years to see where He wants us. I know presently to "bloom where I'm planted" but there are gifts and passions inside of me that are laying dormant and unused. I excepted by now I would be using them... but instead I wait...
I think however that I had to be broken, or to have my expectations broken, to get to where I am now. Ready to give up so much to go further. The things that hurt so much recently have dimmed. I've found healing in brokeness... I haven't given up on some dreams... just learned that "no" isn't a bad thing just the best thing. I've learned to cling to my Savior more. To seek Him each day.
I'm going to do a few commercials or plugs right now. There have been two things that have used that have helped me deal with these broken expectations. The first thing is that every morning I have read the from the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. There have been days that God spoke directly to where I was, in the miry pit, and knowing that He knew where I was and found me there gave me enough to get through that moment.... I say moment because there where times that the next moment was all I could take. The other commercial is for the book Worthy to be Found by Deanna Doss Shrodes. This woman of God, fellow adoptee, put into words some of my emotions. I saw that I was not alone or the only one to have struggles in the search. If you are an adoptee struggling in reunion.. I highly recommend this book. You can find it on amazon- http://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Found-Unforgettable-Resilience-Restoration/dp/0985616865
So if you're struggling with broken expectations... know that you are not alone. You can get through it. If you seek, pray, and be honest with your feelings, He will send His comforter ... in the form that if fit just for you. In a book, devotional, person or even a facebook post. And sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look past the broken expectation to see His Hand caring for you.
Have you even had expectations that broke... that you'd dream would go a certain way and for no reason that makes sense ... didn't go the way you'd expect them to? They broke... Recently I've had a number of broken expectations.. not just in my journey but in many areas...
I expected to have found a house, a calling, a direction etc. by now. I've been asking God and seeking for over 5 years to see where He wants us. I know presently to "bloom where I'm planted" but there are gifts and passions inside of me that are laying dormant and unused. I excepted by now I would be using them... but instead I wait...
I think however that I had to be broken, or to have my expectations broken, to get to where I am now. Ready to give up so much to go further. The things that hurt so much recently have dimmed. I've found healing in brokeness... I haven't given up on some dreams... just learned that "no" isn't a bad thing just the best thing. I've learned to cling to my Savior more. To seek Him each day.
I'm going to do a few commercials or plugs right now. There have been two things that have used that have helped me deal with these broken expectations. The first thing is that every morning I have read the from the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. There have been days that God spoke directly to where I was, in the miry pit, and knowing that He knew where I was and found me there gave me enough to get through that moment.... I say moment because there where times that the next moment was all I could take. The other commercial is for the book Worthy to be Found by Deanna Doss Shrodes. This woman of God, fellow adoptee, put into words some of my emotions. I saw that I was not alone or the only one to have struggles in the search. If you are an adoptee struggling in reunion.. I highly recommend this book. You can find it on amazon- http://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Found-Unforgettable-Resilience-Restoration/dp/0985616865
So if you're struggling with broken expectations... know that you are not alone. You can get through it. If you seek, pray, and be honest with your feelings, He will send His comforter ... in the form that if fit just for you. In a book, devotional, person or even a facebook post. And sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look past the broken expectation to see His Hand caring for you.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Birthdays for an adoptee
So this past Monday was my birthday. It was a hard one.
I recently looked through my tophop (the app that let's you see what you posted in social media on that date in years past) and noticed how much attention I was bringing to my up coming birthdays. It was almost obnoxious. I wondered why I did that and realized that as an adoptee I think I was looking for validation of my birth. That my birth was important and existed. It was more than an altered birth certificate that is dated almost a year and a half after my birth. You see no one I know was present at my birth. Except of course Jesus.....
This year I didn't want any attention brought to this day.
Now both the parents who raised me are gone and I kind of feel orphaned again. On my birthday I walked past a shelf in the kitchen and noticed the musical turning birthday plate that my mom had placed many a cake on. Even as an adult, she would bring over a cake she had made for my birthday. That will never happen again. I cried.
But I think the hardest part of this years birthday was the fact that only a few weeks ago I sat a few yards from the woman who gave me life and she did not want to meet me. I wondered on this birthday if she remembered what day it was. I wondered if the person who I wanted to acknowledge my birthday had in her own way. I wanted to hear "Happy Birthday" come out of her mouth. While I had sat in the car, waiting on that May morning, I could see the outline of a head looking out of her window at me. I couldn't see her face because it was too dark, but I could see a head. She could see me, she now has a flesh and bone image of what she had given up. Did I matter to her?
Before all you not adopted people chime in.... these are normal questions for the adopted person, I know, I have meet many in person and on social media with these same questions... I am not crazy or alone in how I am thinking... and getting through this is and will be a long healing process.
I am healing. I am getting stronger. I am going longer without outbursts of tears. BUT... I am still hurting, crying, struggling and wondering.
I am seeking God on what is next for me (and my husband). We have been in transition for a number of years, empty nest and open to doing something or going somewhere new. There have been road blocks when ever we have tried to move forward. I believe that my journey of reunion is NOT over yet but continue to seek God in what He would have me do next. As I wait, I wonder if moving forward won't happen until some form of reunion happens.
There are important people in my life who believe with me that this is not over, that this will take time, and that she will come around. My question is what to do next and when to do it. I have thought about writing her another note, something that would include how much it would mean to me to just see her and touch her (again.... you see I lived inside her for 9 months and saw her at birth... so yes, again) and to give her my contact information again. I also know I have 2 half sisters, who probably have no idea that I exist. At this time, to honor my birth mother, I will not contact them (just stalk them on fb ;) ) That is the choice that God and I (and my hubby) have made at this time. This does not mean I won't ever try... it just means not now.
The Bible says in Exodus 20:12-
I recently looked through my tophop (the app that let's you see what you posted in social media on that date in years past) and noticed how much attention I was bringing to my up coming birthdays. It was almost obnoxious. I wondered why I did that and realized that as an adoptee I think I was looking for validation of my birth. That my birth was important and existed. It was more than an altered birth certificate that is dated almost a year and a half after my birth. You see no one I know was present at my birth. Except of course Jesus.....
This year I didn't want any attention brought to this day.
Now both the parents who raised me are gone and I kind of feel orphaned again. On my birthday I walked past a shelf in the kitchen and noticed the musical turning birthday plate that my mom had placed many a cake on. Even as an adult, she would bring over a cake she had made for my birthday. That will never happen again. I cried.
But I think the hardest part of this years birthday was the fact that only a few weeks ago I sat a few yards from the woman who gave me life and she did not want to meet me. I wondered on this birthday if she remembered what day it was. I wondered if the person who I wanted to acknowledge my birthday had in her own way. I wanted to hear "Happy Birthday" come out of her mouth. While I had sat in the car, waiting on that May morning, I could see the outline of a head looking out of her window at me. I couldn't see her face because it was too dark, but I could see a head. She could see me, she now has a flesh and bone image of what she had given up. Did I matter to her?
Before all you not adopted people chime in.... these are normal questions for the adopted person, I know, I have meet many in person and on social media with these same questions... I am not crazy or alone in how I am thinking... and getting through this is and will be a long healing process.
I am healing. I am getting stronger. I am going longer without outbursts of tears. BUT... I am still hurting, crying, struggling and wondering.
I am seeking God on what is next for me (and my husband). We have been in transition for a number of years, empty nest and open to doing something or going somewhere new. There have been road blocks when ever we have tried to move forward. I believe that my journey of reunion is NOT over yet but continue to seek God in what He would have me do next. As I wait, I wonder if moving forward won't happen until some form of reunion happens.
There are important people in my life who believe with me that this is not over, that this will take time, and that she will come around. My question is what to do next and when to do it. I have thought about writing her another note, something that would include how much it would mean to me to just see her and touch her (again.... you see I lived inside her for 9 months and saw her at birth... so yes, again) and to give her my contact information again. I also know I have 2 half sisters, who probably have no idea that I exist. At this time, to honor my birth mother, I will not contact them (just stalk them on fb ;) ) That is the choice that God and I (and my hubby) have made at this time. This does not mean I won't ever try... it just means not now.
The Bible says in Exodus 20:12-
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.
This is what I'm trying to do in my journey, I want to honor her and not destroy her. I also want to honor the parents who raised me and not act unkind or malicious. And I want to honor my God and represent Him in my actions towards her. Can you all understand this? I want to be and example of Jesus' love for her, in that although she has rejected me, turned her back on me, turned me away, tried to deny my existence,
I WILL NOT STOP LOVING HER AND PURSUING HER
He never stopped pursuing me..... or you
He never stopped loving me ..... or you
and he never will.
I am truly thankful for that.... and so should you
Thursday, May 21, 2015
I've been asked a few questions... Why?
As I have shared my experience with you all, many of you have asked me some things and many of you have been afraid to ask... so here are some answers to the questions
Why are you doing this?
Well I have to, there is something inside of me that has driven me to do this search and to meet her. I am not looking to hurt myself, I'm driven, there is a "hole" or missing piece inside. I went to her house hoping for a good result and knowing I could have the result I had... but I didn't go there to be hurt... but to try to fill this hole.
What do I think will change if I meet her?
Nothing, I'm not doing this to change me, to change my life, to change the world. I just am driven to do this.
Here's the thing.... I was talking to someone today and finally figured out where this drive was coming from. You see I've realized what is driving me...
I need to know that she's okay.... that she is healing from the "hurt" in her life. God has placed in my a heart that has compassion for others, one that wants to help the hurting, to bring joy and healing. I've have prayed for this woman most of my life, I have asked God to reveal Himself to her, to place people in her life to show her His love for her. I need to know if He has reached her. I need to know if she has found peace.
Can you all understand this? Yes the rejection hurts like hell. I've never hurt this much. But is my pain worth it... I hope so, I hope she may even see my persistence as an example of God's love for her..
Maybe one of you is reading this and God has been reaching out to you and you've rejected He love. The pain I have felt from this rejection is nothing in comparison to the pain of the cross and the rejection. Think about it... He may have been seeking for you, searching, reaching out and you haven't responded..... don't wait. Answer He call, respond to the love he has waiting to flood your life. You see, scripture talks about our adoption, into His family. He want's you to come to Him.
God is still reaching out to me, I opened fb this morning and the first thing I saw was this:
So thanks for listening, praying, talking, caring and reading this. I do have to say that the pain is not as intense as it was yesterday, or the day before. I'm learning more and more about myself and my Savior. I'm also learning who I can trust, and unfortunately who I can't. Don't worry I still love you... I'm persist that way.
Blessing everyone.... by the way, feel free to share my story. Hope it can help others.
Why are you doing this?
Well I have to, there is something inside of me that has driven me to do this search and to meet her. I am not looking to hurt myself, I'm driven, there is a "hole" or missing piece inside. I went to her house hoping for a good result and knowing I could have the result I had... but I didn't go there to be hurt... but to try to fill this hole.
What do I think will change if I meet her?
Nothing, I'm not doing this to change me, to change my life, to change the world. I just am driven to do this.
Here's the thing.... I was talking to someone today and finally figured out where this drive was coming from. You see I've realized what is driving me...
I need to know that she's okay.... that she is healing from the "hurt" in her life. God has placed in my a heart that has compassion for others, one that wants to help the hurting, to bring joy and healing. I've have prayed for this woman most of my life, I have asked God to reveal Himself to her, to place people in her life to show her His love for her. I need to know if He has reached her. I need to know if she has found peace.
Can you all understand this? Yes the rejection hurts like hell. I've never hurt this much. But is my pain worth it... I hope so, I hope she may even see my persistence as an example of God's love for her..
Maybe one of you is reading this and God has been reaching out to you and you've rejected He love. The pain I have felt from this rejection is nothing in comparison to the pain of the cross and the rejection. Think about it... He may have been seeking for you, searching, reaching out and you haven't responded..... don't wait. Answer He call, respond to the love he has waiting to flood your life. You see, scripture talks about our adoption, into His family. He want's you to come to Him.
God is still reaching out to me, I opened fb this morning and the first thing I saw was this:
For some one today. !"God is about to take you where you could not go on your own. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation you are in right now, to shape you and prepare you for wants to bring you into. "Trust Him with His plan even if you don't understand.
So thanks for listening, praying, talking, caring and reading this. I do have to say that the pain is not as intense as it was yesterday, or the day before. I'm learning more and more about myself and my Savior. I'm also learning who I can trust, and unfortunately who I can't. Don't worry I still love you... I'm persist that way.
Blessing everyone.... by the way, feel free to share my story. Hope it can help others.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Just so you know ... this hurts
It's been a few days since the second rejection.... It took a few days to cry, I finally broke down during worship at church on Sunday.. I find it hard to fake being fine in the presence of our Mighty God. I then broke down before work today and couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurts.
I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.
So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:
1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?
2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.
3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?
4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.
5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.
6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.
7. Sometimes I want to talk about this, and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.
8. Pray for me. I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?
If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.
I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.
So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:
1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?
2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.
3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?
4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.
5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.
6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.
7. Sometimes I want to talk about this, and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.
8. Pray for me. I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?
If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
My husband has met her....Could this be over? or just the end of this chapter
Yesterday my husband and I had to drive to NY to pick up our daughter and son in law at the airport. We had taken the day off and were wondering how to make this an adventure and worth the time off. A few days prior I had this idea pop into my head about knocking on my birth mother's day and going from there. I wasn't sure if this was a God idea or just a plan old idea, I asked some trusted friends to pray for me and about it and mentioned it to my husband.
My prayer was that if it was God's will I would know and follow through, I felt like I would know for sure if this was the right time and thing to do at the last minute.
Don and I left for NY and headed to her town in NJ. About 2 minutes before we got to her house we pulled over and prayed about the whole thing and decided that Don would go up to the door first, to kind of feel things out.... and I guess to protect me from a slammed door.
We got to her house (I took a picture of it) and saw that her car was in the parking spot. Don got out of the car knocked on her door and introduced himself and asked if my name sounded familiar, she said no. He then said well my wife believes that she's your daughter and is in the car and would like to meet you. She quickly said no and shut the door.
Her action did confirm what we all knew, that I AM HER DAUGHTER!!! She did not say to Don that I was wrong, or that she didn't have this daughter, just a quick no and shut door.
Don says that I resemble her, but she looks older than the fb pics we have seen...
What I have been reminded of is that she has not really rejected me, but has rejected what I represent, the pain and hurt of what brought me into this world, and I guess that that has to be okay. I haven't cried yet but know I will.... you see God is in control... following this I went to visit some wonderful childhood friends, I was invited to celebrate the 100 anniversary of the church I grew up in. There I was surrounded (and grounded) by people who love me and know me and don't care where I came from , just that I have been in their lives... My one friend even turned to me and said.. isn't this amazing that on the very difficult day God has you here with us, with people who love you and know you...
Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan
SO what's next??? I don't know.... you see my birth mom now has flesh and bone and not just a piece of paper and a bad memory. God can work in her life, as He is in mine. He can stir her and move her to contact me... or we just call this over... you see she has indirectly confirmed who she is .... that is some of what I have been wanted... a closure of sorts.
I ask you to pray for me as I continue to process the events of 5-15-15...
I ask you to pray for her... I'm sure that yesterday was shocking... she is 70 and could be hard on her. You see I love her, just for choosing life, for having me, and for through her actions giving me this wonderful family and life I have had
Blessings to you.
My prayer was that if it was God's will I would know and follow through, I felt like I would know for sure if this was the right time and thing to do at the last minute.
Don and I left for NY and headed to her town in NJ. About 2 minutes before we got to her house we pulled over and prayed about the whole thing and decided that Don would go up to the door first, to kind of feel things out.... and I guess to protect me from a slammed door.
We got to her house (I took a picture of it) and saw that her car was in the parking spot. Don got out of the car knocked on her door and introduced himself and asked if my name sounded familiar, she said no. He then said well my wife believes that she's your daughter and is in the car and would like to meet you. She quickly said no and shut the door.
Her action did confirm what we all knew, that I AM HER DAUGHTER!!! She did not say to Don that I was wrong, or that she didn't have this daughter, just a quick no and shut door.
Don says that I resemble her, but she looks older than the fb pics we have seen...
What I have been reminded of is that she has not really rejected me, but has rejected what I represent, the pain and hurt of what brought me into this world, and I guess that that has to be okay. I haven't cried yet but know I will.... you see God is in control... following this I went to visit some wonderful childhood friends, I was invited to celebrate the 100 anniversary of the church I grew up in. There I was surrounded (and grounded) by people who love me and know me and don't care where I came from , just that I have been in their lives... My one friend even turned to me and said.. isn't this amazing that on the very difficult day God has you here with us, with people who love you and know you...
Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan
SO what's next??? I don't know.... you see my birth mom now has flesh and bone and not just a piece of paper and a bad memory. God can work in her life, as He is in mine. He can stir her and move her to contact me... or we just call this over... you see she has indirectly confirmed who she is .... that is some of what I have been wanted... a closure of sorts.
I ask you to pray for me as I continue to process the events of 5-15-15...
I ask you to pray for her... I'm sure that yesterday was shocking... she is 70 and could be hard on her. You see I love her, just for choosing life, for having me, and for through her actions giving me this wonderful family and life I have had
Blessings to you.
Friday, October 10, 2014
My soap box pt 1
So the longer I'm waiting for a reunion the more I have to think about how I think. In the journey I have been introduced to some amazing people but also some opinionated people. I sometime wonder if as adoptees many of us just want to get up and scream, I'm important, I'm worth something, and there are a number of adoptees who I don't agree with.
I think that many of us are happy and well adjusted people, people who were brought into a good and loving home without problems that families don't have. See, families are made up of imperfect people all with issues and joys. Sometime families are hard, sometimes easy, but whether that family was connected by blood or by court order, the problems can happen in either.
I was adopted into the family that God had chosen for me and in His plan made me into the person I am today. I also have non vocal adoptee friends who feel the same way.
So here is my soapbox. We are all dealt a hand to play with. Some are amazingly difficult and some are a royal flush without a care in the world. but all are what we have. We can either quit the game, gripe about our hand and make everyone around us miserable, or put on a poker face and play our hand. Yes there are many injustices to battle against and spoke out about. But our difficult hands are there to conform us, strengthen us and to enable us to help others in their struggle.
I think that many of us are happy and well adjusted people, people who were brought into a good and loving home without problems that families don't have. See, families are made up of imperfect people all with issues and joys. Sometime families are hard, sometimes easy, but whether that family was connected by blood or by court order, the problems can happen in either.
I was adopted into the family that God had chosen for me and in His plan made me into the person I am today. I also have non vocal adoptee friends who feel the same way.
So here is my soapbox. We are all dealt a hand to play with. Some are amazingly difficult and some are a royal flush without a care in the world. but all are what we have. We can either quit the game, gripe about our hand and make everyone around us miserable, or put on a poker face and play our hand. Yes there are many injustices to battle against and spoke out about. But our difficult hands are there to conform us, strengthen us and to enable us to help others in their struggle.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
so how do I feel about all this
So I turned 50 and didn't hear from "her" and I'm okay with this... I don't want to disrupt or "ruin" her life... I feel in my heart of hearts that someday she'll be ready...just not now...
So my life seems to be in limbo. My kids are grown and either married or preparing for marriage. My adoptive parents are gone. My job is a job and not what it once was. I used to teach and I miss that. My church is in transition. It seems like everyday I work, come home, sleep then rinse and repeat.
One thing that has happened recently is that by spending a week alone with my hubby my love for him grew in leaps and bounds... We had a great vacation with the only thing to worry about was what towel animal would be on our bed when we got back from dinner... and we really enjoyed being with each other... no kids, no housework, no work, and no bills (until we got home)
So why am I writing today.. I don't know...
The bible says a people without a vision shall surely die.. and maybe it's I'm looking for a vision. Hubby and I have talked about so many different ideas.. house flipping, buying a rv and traveling, My church is praying and considering opening a school so that's exciting.. but not by any means definite.
The one thing on our hearts is to move to Guatemala and work at a children's home.. I would teach and hubby (I will call him hubby since he is VERY private) would help with maintenance. Are we called to go...??? We're still not 100% sure. depends on when you ask us. I love Guatemala and the people at the home and feel it would be a great use of our gifts.
So as a put a bookmark in this journey for my birth mother... pray for us was we seek God's plan for us.
Maybe I should start a blog about life at 50... and a search for vision and purpose.. what do you think... would anyone read it?
So my life seems to be in limbo. My kids are grown and either married or preparing for marriage. My adoptive parents are gone. My job is a job and not what it once was. I used to teach and I miss that. My church is in transition. It seems like everyday I work, come home, sleep then rinse and repeat.
One thing that has happened recently is that by spending a week alone with my hubby my love for him grew in leaps and bounds... We had a great vacation with the only thing to worry about was what towel animal would be on our bed when we got back from dinner... and we really enjoyed being with each other... no kids, no housework, no work, and no bills (until we got home)
So why am I writing today.. I don't know...
The bible says a people without a vision shall surely die.. and maybe it's I'm looking for a vision. Hubby and I have talked about so many different ideas.. house flipping, buying a rv and traveling, My church is praying and considering opening a school so that's exciting.. but not by any means definite.
The one thing on our hearts is to move to Guatemala and work at a children's home.. I would teach and hubby (I will call him hubby since he is VERY private) would help with maintenance. Are we called to go...??? We're still not 100% sure. depends on when you ask us. I love Guatemala and the people at the home and feel it would be a great use of our gifts.
So as a put a bookmark in this journey for my birth mother... pray for us was we seek God's plan for us.
Maybe I should start a blog about life at 50... and a search for vision and purpose.. what do you think... would anyone read it?
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Could this journey be over?? pt1
This past winter, while walking my dog and praying -praying is the thing I do most while walking her other than keeping her from chasing bunnies- I knew I had to put an end date to me actively searching for my birth mother. Yes that is still what I call her... I've been introduced to a community that has given her many other names like first mother, mother of loss, etc.... but It's been her "name" for me for 50 yrs and you can't teach a dog new tricks. Anyway my 50th birthday would be the end of this chapter, that my friends is Saturday. insert age joke and celebrations here.
Now back in March I posted one of those iso posters on Facebook to see if anyone out there would know anyone who might know someone who could be a friend of a anyone. You see I'd been looking... all my life really, in faces of strangers, on train, planes and automobiles, in cities, in towns, at fair, at funerals... everywhere --- for someone who looked like me. Yes for those who know me.. my kids look like me (and look like Don too) but who did I look like? I married into a family with close ties and someone looks like someone else and at times it made me feel a little more lost.
This picture did some wonderful things... it introduced me to a very supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable community of people who get it. Many are advocates, many are activists, but all have been touched by adoption. We don't all agree on what adoption is or have had the same experiences but we all get it --- we understand that MISSING PIECE. that gnawing unanswered questions. on one side- who am I? and the other who is she/he? And on both sides--- will I be accepted or rejected?
Well a few of these people gave me direction and hope. I had hired a private eye - which according to search angels are thieves and crooks and really only want the money - yes seems to be be my experience.
Well I was connected with a wonderful search angel who told where to go and who to ask. See I had my non identifying information, from NY state and from Nassau County... and I thought I had a lot of information and that with this it would be easy, you see when I hired the PI almost 3 years ago, before I paid them, they told me I had a lot of information and that it shouldn't take long.
HA!
Well this search angel said there were holes in my information, that things didn't seem to line up. So she gave me some direction. direction that at this point I will keep to myself. but direction that gave me the information I needed. When I gave this information to my search angel... it took her TWO HOURS to not only find my birth mother but I had pictures and contact information.
So I called my birth mother, left a message about doing some research and wanting to talk to her, and could she call me back? See it was also from my information- her birthday. She didn't call back. I called a few days later. Same scenario but included doing research on Robinson family --- she didn't call back.
So - next stepjump in the car and bang on her door I write her a letter, a letter that included many of the things I've always wanted to say, to tell her that I've been looking for her, wanted to meet her... but that I respected her and didn't want to disrupt her life and that it was up to her if she wanted my back in her life. I include picture of me and my family - life events- and I included scripture and love. You see I love her. I've never "met" her but there is a place in my heart for her - the woman who gave birth to me. Don't you all love the woman who gave you life????
I went to many stores- looking for the right paper. This letter would be handwritten, on paper that reflected me, you see this may be her only contact with me and I wanted her to have as much of who I was as I could pack in an envelope. I wrote a rough draft on the computer so I could move things around without scribbling and re-writing things... then I sat and wrote - only messed up one sheet - and the Saturday before Mother's Day I sent it certified mail. I did not want it to go into anyone else's hands. I respect her too much, had she never told anyone about me before I did not want her to be forced to now against her will.
BTW - yeah that's right called her on her birthday and sent a letter right before Mother's Day... gee great timing.
I also sent it certified so I would know that SHE received it. A few days later I got the postcard with HER signature - I cried... a piece of her - and maybe the only piece I ever get.
So now it's 2 days before my birthday and haven't heard anything from her yet, I recently read (oh am reading... it's in many parts and she's not done yet) a blog where her birth mother took 2 years before she was ready to meet her. So I wait... but no more pursuing. In my heart of hearts I believe that one day we will meet. When she's ready. I know also that I have siblings and would love to meet them too. but in her time.
But really in God's time, for I know in whom I believe in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.
Pray for me please. there are things I need to deal with in this and at time struggle. I don't want to become bitter due to a "second rejection"
I tell myself and others.. it's time to live forward. My life has been blessed so greatly wonderful husband and kids.. family is growing as my kids are marrying wonderful people. I will - fingers crossed - have grandchildren to love forward. It's a wonderful life God has given me. His guiding Hand directing my path and this journey.
Be blessed -
Pt 2 ???? when I meet her.
okay?
Now back in March I posted one of those iso posters on Facebook to see if anyone out there would know anyone who might know someone who could be a friend of a anyone. You see I'd been looking... all my life really, in faces of strangers, on train, planes and automobiles, in cities, in towns, at fair, at funerals... everywhere --- for someone who looked like me. Yes for those who know me.. my kids look like me (and look like Don too) but who did I look like? I married into a family with close ties and someone looks like someone else and at times it made me feel a little more lost.
This picture did some wonderful things... it introduced me to a very supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable community of people who get it. Many are advocates, many are activists, but all have been touched by adoption. We don't all agree on what adoption is or have had the same experiences but we all get it --- we understand that MISSING PIECE. that gnawing unanswered questions. on one side- who am I? and the other who is she/he? And on both sides--- will I be accepted or rejected?
Well a few of these people gave me direction and hope. I had hired a private eye - which according to search angels are thieves and crooks and really only want the money - yes seems to be be my experience.
Well I was connected with a wonderful search angel who told where to go and who to ask. See I had my non identifying information, from NY state and from Nassau County... and I thought I had a lot of information and that with this it would be easy, you see when I hired the PI almost 3 years ago, before I paid them, they told me I had a lot of information and that it shouldn't take long.
HA!
Well this search angel said there were holes in my information, that things didn't seem to line up. So she gave me some direction. direction that at this point I will keep to myself. but direction that gave me the information I needed. When I gave this information to my search angel... it took her TWO HOURS to not only find my birth mother but I had pictures and contact information.
So I called my birth mother, left a message about doing some research and wanting to talk to her, and could she call me back? See it was also from my information- her birthday. She didn't call back. I called a few days later. Same scenario but included doing research on Robinson family --- she didn't call back.
So - next step
I went to many stores- looking for the right paper. This letter would be handwritten, on paper that reflected me, you see this may be her only contact with me and I wanted her to have as much of who I was as I could pack in an envelope. I wrote a rough draft on the computer so I could move things around without scribbling and re-writing things... then I sat and wrote - only messed up one sheet - and the Saturday before Mother's Day I sent it certified mail. I did not want it to go into anyone else's hands. I respect her too much, had she never told anyone about me before I did not want her to be forced to now against her will.
BTW - yeah that's right called her on her birthday and sent a letter right before Mother's Day... gee great timing.
I also sent it certified so I would know that SHE received it. A few days later I got the postcard with HER signature - I cried... a piece of her - and maybe the only piece I ever get.
So now it's 2 days before my birthday and haven't heard anything from her yet, I recently read (oh am reading... it's in many parts and she's not done yet) a blog where her birth mother took 2 years before she was ready to meet her. So I wait... but no more pursuing. In my heart of hearts I believe that one day we will meet. When she's ready. I know also that I have siblings and would love to meet them too. but in her time.
But really in God's time, for I know in whom I believe in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.
Pray for me please. there are things I need to deal with in this and at time struggle. I don't want to become bitter due to a "second rejection"
I tell myself and others.. it's time to live forward. My life has been blessed so greatly wonderful husband and kids.. family is growing as my kids are marrying wonderful people. I will - fingers crossed - have grandchildren to love forward. It's a wonderful life God has given me. His guiding Hand directing my path and this journey.
Be blessed -
Pt 2 ???? when I meet her.
okay?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
And now I wait
I'm keeping things under wrap right now... just want to say that I believe I have found my birth mother and am attempting contact... I will fill you in on what I can...
I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the advice and direction given to me by those who have walked in these shoes...
When I have the answers and feel I can share... I will tell you all what I can...
We have to remember that it isn't just my life that was a part of my birth and I want to respect and honor the woman who gave me life.
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts... I believe this journey is near the end... but it may be the beginning of a new one
Love you ALL
I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the advice and direction given to me by those who have walked in these shoes...
When I have the answers and feel I can share... I will tell you all what I can...
We have to remember that it isn't just my life that was a part of my birth and I want to respect and honor the woman who gave me life.
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts... I believe this journey is near the end... but it may be the beginning of a new one
Love you ALL
Sunday, March 24, 2013
the goodness of people
Well it's been a little over 2 weeks since I posted my search picture on facebook. No I haven't found any of my birth family yet,... and in the dark moments I don't think I ever will this side of Heaven. However I have met some very nice people. The support from friends, strangers and new friends is wonderful.
I have been given advice from people who have already done the search (some too late).
I've discovered some new information. A search angel advised me to petition for my order of adoption which revealed that my birth name was Patricia Robinson. I have a correspondence from the lawyer who handled my adoption that had that name on it and we had speculated that that was my name... it is now confirmed.
The order of adoption also had my birth in Valley Stream NY. My birth certificate had said Hempstead. Curious? not really.. it's kinda a Long Island thing. See there are hamlets in towns... and Valley Stream is a hamlet of Hempstead, just like Port Washington is a hamlet of the Town of North Hempstead. Anyway, just some new info (or clarifying info)
I have a few new avenues to look at. Both the search angel and the private eye I hired seems to think that there are too many holes in my non identifying info so I'm going to make some phone calls this week .. questions are: Was Robinson my birth fathers last name? Was my birth mother in a home for unwed mothers? (this is THE question - if she was there was one in Valley Stream, run by the Salvation Army and children born there are have documentation says born in Valley Stream and born in Hempstead which I have both..... hmm....) Hopefully answers at least one of these questions.. I'm told that answers are permitted if I ask the right questions.
Anyway I'll keep you all updated
I have been given advice from people who have already done the search (some too late).
I've discovered some new information. A search angel advised me to petition for my order of adoption which revealed that my birth name was Patricia Robinson. I have a correspondence from the lawyer who handled my adoption that had that name on it and we had speculated that that was my name... it is now confirmed.
The order of adoption also had my birth in Valley Stream NY. My birth certificate had said Hempstead. Curious? not really.. it's kinda a Long Island thing. See there are hamlets in towns... and Valley Stream is a hamlet of Hempstead, just like Port Washington is a hamlet of the Town of North Hempstead. Anyway, just some new info (or clarifying info)
I have a few new avenues to look at. Both the search angel and the private eye I hired seems to think that there are too many holes in my non identifying info so I'm going to make some phone calls this week .. questions are: Was Robinson my birth fathers last name? Was my birth mother in a home for unwed mothers? (this is THE question - if she was there was one in Valley Stream, run by the Salvation Army and children born there are have documentation says born in Valley Stream and born in Hempstead which I have both..... hmm....) Hopefully answers at least one of these questions.. I'm told that answers are permitted if I ask the right questions.
Anyway I'll keep you all updated
Friday, March 8, 2013
so much in a year pt 2. Restoration in loss
I found this draft and figure... hey I'll post it :)
I would like to share a few things outside of my search that I have experienced or learned with the passing of mom. okay?
My mom was a great lady and always wanted the best for me and my brothers, and with imperfection she did her best to do so. One dynamic of my family is that we have all just kind of lived our lives and connected through her, heard of each others lives etc. Well since she passed, I hear from my brothers regularly, see their families and really have reconnected with them. We often say to each other that mom is smiling down on us. (And if my brothers are reading this right now... thanks for giving me a break from all the phone calls late at night. there is nothing new, November is coming and you can pest me then,...)
this was written over a year ago.. and I still am thankful for the family God placed me in when my birth family couldn't care for me
I would like to share a few things outside of my search that I have experienced or learned with the passing of mom. okay?
My mom was a great lady and always wanted the best for me and my brothers, and with imperfection she did her best to do so. One dynamic of my family is that we have all just kind of lived our lives and connected through her, heard of each others lives etc. Well since she passed, I hear from my brothers regularly, see their families and really have reconnected with them. We often say to each other that mom is smiling down on us. (And if my brothers are reading this right now... thanks for giving me a break from all the phone calls late at night. there is nothing new, November is coming and you can pest me then,...)
this was written over a year ago.. and I still am thankful for the family God placed me in when my birth family couldn't care for me
Monday, March 4, 2013
Today I try something new
Well over a year and a half ago I hired a private eye to search, paid a lot of money and still no results. Recently i have seen a number of posts on facebook with searcher putting some information about their adoption. Some that I have re-posted have been reunited in days... not sure if I would get those some results but ... that's my plan today!!! Just enough info to see if there are any family members out there.
I spent some time in prayer about this and have decided that if I don't find anymore out by my 50th birthday (in June) then I will drop the search a together and will be at peace with the fact that a reunion is not meant to be. Please don't tell me to never give up.. it's just that really this is hard on me especially after mom died and to know that I will never know will settle my heart. I know I always have a Heavenly Father that loved me so much that He sent His Son as a sacrifice for my sins. I know He sent me to 2 wonderful parents who loved me and wanted me.
So here's to my final try... pray for God's will and peace in my heart
I spent some time in prayer about this and have decided that if I don't find anymore out by my 50th birthday (in June) then I will drop the search a together and will be at peace with the fact that a reunion is not meant to be. Please don't tell me to never give up.. it's just that really this is hard on me especially after mom died and to know that I will never know will settle my heart. I know I always have a Heavenly Father that loved me so much that He sent His Son as a sacrifice for my sins. I know He sent me to 2 wonderful parents who loved me and wanted me.
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