Pandemic post - waiting for my birth certificate

I'm sitting here in the weirdest time of my life. A pandemic virus that is in some way touching every person on this Earth. So while I sit here I figured I'd give you some updates on what my journey  looks like right now.

Nothing has really changed, I still have not gotten any reply from my birth mom and don't know if I ever will. Since this journey started a major event happened in my home state of New York. Gov Cuomo signed Assembly Bill A5494 making available original  or non altered birth certificates to ALL adoptees born in New York. Each would have to file for it starting Jan. 15 2020. This is a game changer for all.  This includes me.

With the information I now have access to she can not deny what I already know - her name.

So Jan 15th came and went and I didn't order it. I figured there would be a mad rush anyway. But the week of Valentines day I got a letter sent to my brother with his non id info and it triggered something in me. He got pictures from before we got him with a possible name written on the back, and a bunch of info he needed to process. But it's Valentine's Day and he got a gift. Our mom died on Valentine's Day and it helped us. After I had turned over the picture of him and saw his "name" I remember the Bill and decided to order my birth certificate.. Adopted friends on fb were just getting theirs so I thought it would be a good time......  The website said it would take 30-45 business days, so I've waited this long... what's a month or so?

Here comes covid-19... offices shut down and NY hit the hardest... so my wait will be much longer.

Here's another bit of info I may get... birth father's name. Yes I was conceived by rape but it was by someone who was staying with my grandparents when it happened (according to my research and non id info). He did know about me and took off when I was born.. It would be interesting to find that piece of info.

But it will happen later. So wait with me, but pray for my home state as they struggle in this season.

#WHYWEMARCH

This past Friday I joined a few hundred thousand people on the Mall in Washington D.C. to take a stand. I am a Pro-Life adoptee. I am here in part because I was conceived in 1962 and born in 1963. During this time, abortion was not a legal procedure and my birth mother still had choices. She choose to give me up for adoption instead of keeping me and raising me herself.
I have discovered thru all my investigations that I was most likely conceived thru a violent act ( say most likely because she has still not responded to any of my contact... so she has not confirmed this but I have been told this thru investigation) . Until now I have not really posted this information but I believe that I must stand for the 1%. The percent that has been more times that not the reason to abort. So often I have heard people say..."I don't believe in abortion except for in the cases of rape and incest."
This statement devalues my life and I MUST stand and proclaim that I have value. My life began with an evil act but God took that act and made something good.
God knew my name before I was born, He had a plan and purpose for my life. He also knew your name before you were born and has a plan and purpose for your life.. ALL LIVES. You see ALL LIVES MATTER. Science, thru ultrasound, has shown us that life begins at conception. That life inside the womb is life... has value... has purpose...has things in this world to do. 

DNA results...

I know you haven't heard from me in a while, and no news was really... no news.

However, for my birthday my mother-in-law gave me some money. Having just moved and going through 30 years of stuff there really wasn't anything I wanted. A few months ago my cousin had called me and suggested that I do a DNA test with one of the advertised companies. This idea mulled around in my head and so when I got the money Ancestry.com was having a sale of the tests for I sent away for one.

The test arrived while I was in Guatemala so had to wait til I got home to send it out. I spit in the tude, mixed up the solution and sent it out.

What was I expecting.... I don't really know... Maybe a back door into this family that hasn't acknowledged my existence, maybe a hope that one of them was registered with Ancestry, what I do know is that I was hoping for some kind of closure or confirmation of what I believed to be true.

This past Wednesday I received the results (2 weeks before they said I would have them). Fortunately it was my day off so I could sit at the computer and figure this all out. No I didn't spend all day doing this but I quickly got through my morning devotionals and cup of coffee and opened up the link.

There it was my results....

•  67% Great Britain
•  21% Ireland
•  3% Italy/Greece

Really no surprise there... the 67% Great Britain is from Scotland and the Irish is from Ulster. This confirms some things... freckles and fair skin my have been a give away... if only the 3% mediterranean would have given me the ability to tan better...  

Next part (understand I will not be giving names out just non identifying information 😉) are a list of "cousins" of various degrees. And there ther were two 2nd cousins. Now in order to contact them I had to start my free trial of Ancestry (they get you every time) so of course I have 30 days for all my answers. I quickly sent out 2 messages to them asking if there were any Robinsons in there family tree.  

THERE WAS!!!!!!

We started the search and reconciliations. I gave my new found cousin a few names that I had and he found my great grandfather. . Understand this, it's more than just names... there were also locations and a picture or two. My non identifying information states that my birth mother and her parents were originally from Canada .. Ontario to be exact. .... Guess what... all these "cousins" that I have found live in Canada ... Ontario as a matter of fact...hmmm- I'm talking not just the 2nd-3rd cousins but also the 4th and 5th... some are even still in the UK... Can I hear more confirmation. 

The new found cousin has already done a family tree on Ancestry and I have shown him a branch that can be filled it... I'm a part of a branch. A blood line... For those of you who are not adopted, you may not get this or understand what this means... but my adopted friends.... you know... this is hunormous. 

So right now I still hope for the day of reunion with my immediate birth family, but for now finding an extended family that calls me cuz... is such a mind blower  

So be blessed... Hopefully there will be more to the story... 

to be continued

Just a story I'm told needs to be told

In the past week, I had the opportunity to share this story to two different women at work. These women came to me with  a similar situation, wanting to replace jewelry given to them by a deceased parent. I shared with them this story of hope, encouragement and God's perfect timing. Both women left encouraged and crying. I hope it may encourage one of you....be patient, adoption ties it to the story :)

Here goes:

It was about this time 5 years ago. My mom had pasted away on Valentine's Day and it was a day before Halloween. Halloween was and is a special time of year for me. You see, I was adopted on Halloween and this event was always remembered and "celebrated" by my mom (and dad when he was alive and able to). This would be the first Halloween without a card or a cake or a call. I was feeling extremely alone and grief stricken.
I mentioned earlier that when my dad was alive he too celebrated in some form the day I was brought home. My dad had become sick and had cancer when I was a young teen. When I was 13, like any good Lutheran, I was confirmed of Palm Sunday. As a gift my dad had given me a gold cross with a small diamond in it. I wore it often and cherished it as my last gift from him before his death 4 months later. My life continued, got married, had kids and lost the cross in the mid 90's. I had ideas of where it may have been lost, or stuck but when we removed a wall fixture in our dining room I had given up hope. So after my mom died I started to look to replace this precious token of my father's love for me.
So it's right before Halloween 2011 and I'm just plain hurting and feeling a bit pitiful. I went into the bathroom and something caught my attention in the cabinet drawer, there was a glisten, and bit of shiny causing me to investigate.
THERE IT WAS!!!!! The cross that I had lost some 15 years earlier, in a drawer I had cleaned out more than a few times. In this drawer was a message for above that I was loved, that I was remembered, that my parents cherished me more than I did that piece of jewelry and that Our Heavenly Father Loved me and celebrated my life.

So if you're missing some special lost item, if you're feeling alone, if you have lost hope.... know that God knows this and knows how and when you will need to hear from heaven the message of being found, being loved and having hope.   Look up, He knows your every need.

Why I think Guatemala is so deep in my heart

Once again I am preparing to go on a mission trip to beautiful Guatemala. I was pondering what draws me to this country.

I came to a realization. While I'm there I get to spend time with many people like me. On our trips we spend time and minister in places who care for displaced children... I don't want to say orphaned because not all of them are, they may have parents, but they are not fit or able to care for them. But yes many are orphaned too. When I tell these kids that I'm adopted we have instant bonds. You see we get it, we know what it's like not being sure of our origins or not able to get back to them.

Guatemala has a broken adoption system, the United States system is broken too, but in different ways... both systems, I believe, have broken do to greed of people and have forgotten that it should be about building strong families where children can be raised in a healthy and safe environment. So in Guatemala there are children's homes to care for these children. We spend a good bit of time in 2 such homes, building relationships with these kids.

I enjoy taking to the older kids where we can have conversations about being adopted and what that's like... Most of the time they have not met adults who are adopted, especially ones from the States. It's interesting for both of us.

One of the last times I was there I thought about all the people that come in and out of the lives of these kids, missionaries (like me) who come down for a week or two and then leave. I wonder sometimes if that builds the abandonment issues adoptees have. SO why do I keep going back? Because I have built relationships with some of these kids (especially some of the older teens) I have connected with them on facebook, and check up on them via fb on years I don't go.


God's Word says that "God will never leave you or forsake you". It's a hard concept for some of us adoptees to grasp, since we deal with that issue concerning our birth families. I try to be someone who comes back, who loves them and who will try to let them know that they are loved, wanted and worth being loved and cared about.

If you want to know more about all we do on these trips.. message me.

If you would like to be apart of one of these trips... message me

While I get ready for this trip.... pray for me...

I know this is different than most of my blogs... but my heart is the shape of Guatemala and it's people fill it. I leave June 24th and return July 9th.

Long Lost Family

Every hear of this show???

Probably not except...

If you have been affected by adoption, you have and you have cried your way through every episode and probably watched them more than once.

Yes the show contacted me back in June. At that point I had already experienced the second rejection.  I had found and "been found" and she was not ready to meet me. I didn't respond to the e-mail.

I'm thinking of contacting them. You see our searches are all different. In an hour you can see 2 families affected by adoption happily and tearfully reunited.

As those of you who have been following my story know...... that doesn't always happen. Not all journeys end in reunion. I've watched all these shows over the years like the money hungry Troy the locator, and Lost and Found and countless others.  The general public wants to see happy endings, I get that.

But I'm here to say that you can still be happy when the apparent ending isn't a joyful reunion. Those of you who are reading this need to know that you can be "happy" in life even if you never find your missing person. You see... I'm happy, yes those who know me know that I just have that innate effervescence, and I was truly devastated by the shut door, but my life is a fantastic one. I've had loss and sadness and have suffered....but I've had joy, happiness, peace, love, goodness, mercy and grace.

So I plan on writing back the show. The 2 hosts are both adoptees in a happy reunion... but they need to just be reminded to tell a story of those of us who are happy without a reunion. To give hope of a happy life even if they don't.

(by the way I'm going to be a grandma this year.... I will be blogging about how that feels next time... the concept of more people who are a part of me is mind blowing)

Happy Valentine's Day

For those who know me, you know how deeply I love the people in my life. It has been said that nothing can separate you from the love of God and Miss Pattie. SO if I love you, you got it forever. I also have heaps and heaps of love to share with those in my life (and yes I know it sometimes comes in many ways including a "butt kicking" or sarcasm and ginormous hugs). With Valentine's Day a few days away, I thought it would be a good time to describe God's kind of love that I've been living lately.

I know that I have a birth family out there and I know where they live  (not to sound stalking or anything). Sometimes when I'm alone and quiet I run through my head different scenarios of how a reunion may take place, what I might say, act, behave, etc..  I also would click on certain fb pages to see what they were doing. Recently I discovered that this was not really healthy for me and would sometimes make me lose sleep and kind of just bring me to that dark place of questions and rejection.
I needed to do something new.

God directed me to change my behavior. When the ideas to "dream" and the urges to "click"would come I needed to do something else. I started to pray. To pray for them to know God's goodness, to pray for blessings, to pray for protection, to pray for health, to pray for them to sense God in their life, to know that God love's them.

As I started doing this, I felt peace and my love for them grew. As I did this, God started reveal something about Him to me. These women have never met me. Two of them don't even know that I exist.... (see where I'm going yet) I have a &^$%#$@ load of love to give to these women but they don't know I'm here.

God loves you, He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants good things in your life. He has so much love to give you. You may not know him.

God is showing me how He loves. And how to love more like Him.

Will this lead to reunion??? Who knows??? I don't need to know. I want so very much for them to find me, meet me, know me. That may never happen but that isn't changing the love that is in my heart for them. Just like our Father's love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

an adoptee defines family

This search has been full of ups and downs.

 But isn't life like that?

This past year has had one of the most difficult parts, what's known as the second rejection.  At times I really didn't feel like I would or could recover from it. With the help of prayer, dear friends and Jesus I did.

I've learned that it is better to get what you need instead of what you want.

After my mom passed and then my aunt, I felt very disconnected to things here. Yes I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids but the anchor holding me here seemed to disappear. Being adopted, I felt orphaned again. No heritage, lineage, ancestry. I believe that was the biggest motivator in my search, to find a place where I belonged. An origin. Before you get all spiritual on me, I know I'm a daughter of the most High God, created in His image, with a hope and a future. But I had no roots. A dear friend, who passed away a few weeks ago, enlightened me to the fact that my grief of losing my mom was driving me forward in this search and helped me realize what my grief had been doing.

My dad had passed away when I was 14 and have had little if any interaction with his family after his funeral. A little while back I used social media to reconnect with some second cousins as we reminisced about a family vacation spot that we had all shared, a place that was held dear in our heart and only we would understand. A few months later my brother and I received an e-mail from my dad's last living cousin, inviting us to a family reunion. I have to say we were a bit apprehensive about going since it had been 4 decades since we had anything to do with them.

So the weekend came, it started out very very difficult, you see it started out burying this dear friend who had encouraged me and helped to lift me out of the hurt place of the second rejection. Tears in my eyes, my husband and I got in the car and began the 4 hour drive to Connecticut, on the way we shared a pizza and tears with my college roommate. God knows who I need and when. We arrived at the reunion, I met my brother at the door of the Inn and walked in.... walked in to open arms and hearts. This weekend I met my family. period. my family.  These people accepted me as one of their own, no strings. My brother and I had to remind them that we were adopted a few times when they mentioned family traits and resemblances. Their reaction... "every family has a story" "we're still family". You see as a child there were members of this family who reminded us ALL the time that we were not blood relatives. Those people are deceased and buried with them seems to be that attitude... Thank you Jesus.  This weekend (and in the weeks since) I was told of my heritage, my ancestry, where my father came from.  We shared stories, we compared "notes", we talked politics and religion (with out fighting), we reminisced about those who are gone and places we shared, I confessed that I was a Mets fan.  We built relationships and bonds.

We were a family in EVERY sense of the word.

God gave me a family.... one that wanted me.... wanted to meet me and continue a relationship with me. I got grounded again. Healed. anchored I became a part of a big picture. He gave me a family I needed.

Now for those who think I still don't want to meet my birth family. You're wrong, I do.... but I can meet them now with a healed heart.  Does this mean that God will open that door for me.. I don't know? And shhhhh don't tell anyone but part of my birth family lives in a village near the reunion and we did drive by their houses and I did see a member of that family in flesh and blood... yeah I did that.

SO I move forward. Waiting for what God has in store for me. I look forward to the next reunion. I look forward to chats on social media. I look forward to restored relationships... families are still broken. I look forward to my kids meeting my family...... all of them.

Psalm 27:10-14 (NLT)

 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. 

Teach me how to live, O LORD . Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. 

 Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. 

 Yet I am confident I will see the LORD ’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.

 Wait patiently for the LORD . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD .

Guidelines for the search -

I was chatting with a new searcher the other day and going over where to get information for her search and then started to share with her things that could happen and what she might expect.  I thought to myself... hey self... I've seen a ton of the how to and where to go but not a lot of what can happen along the way... why don't you post some direction and insight... so here goes!!

1. Remember that you are not alone...

2. You will feel alone.

3. Things can happen quickly

4. Things can take forever

5. Friends can be very supportive

6. Friends can be very discouraging

7. This journey can be ALL consuming

8. You have a life to be lived today in the present.

9. You may have a wonderful reunion

10. You may never find the one you are looking for.... and it has to be okay

11. The end may not be the end.... just a pause for God to do something else

12. We (adoptees) have rights that have been denied to us... the right to know our origins...you can fight for this right but not everyone has to be an advocate.... some of us just support the cause.

13. The adoption process is and has been corrupt. This won't change over night... you do not have to live as a victim of this broken system.  There are MANY children who's lives have been saved through adoption... There ARE good adoption stories... Happy families... Loving homes.

14. EVERY family is different adopted and natural (hate that term)

15. Only God will open doors and close them too.

16. God's plan in perfect... humans can mess it up.

17. We all look for familiar faces - natural families don't always look alike

18. To be respected you should be respectful. Honor your parents. (both sets)  God has a promise that goes with that one.

19. In your search you may find friends in high places... protect them so others will still have have resource

20.Thank those who help you - many have already been through the pain of their search and may still need encouragement once in a while

21. Help those in their journey- guide, encourage, listen, listen, listen, advise but be careful.. your journey might be different

22. Cry with those who cry, rejoice with those who rejoice.

23. Don't get bitter at those who have happy endings when yours isn't working out well.

24. When you are rejoicing.. be mindful of those who can't yet.

That's all I have right now.... comment below if you think I've missed something... I probably have.

Broken expectations

The other day I was reading my devotions and skimmed some words and together came up with Broken Expectations. I stopped and pondered those words... broken expectations.

Have you even had expectations that broke... that you'd dream would go a certain way and for no reason that makes sense ... didn't go the way you'd expect them to? They broke... Recently I've had a number of broken expectations.. not just in my journey but in many areas...

I expected to have found a house, a calling, a direction etc. by now. I've been asking God and seeking for over 5 years to see where He wants us.  I know presently to "bloom where I'm planted" but there are gifts and passions inside of me that are laying dormant and unused. I excepted by now I would be using them... but instead I wait...

I think however that I had to be broken, or to have my expectations broken, to get to where I am now. Ready to give up so much to go further.  The things that hurt so much recently have dimmed. I've found healing in brokeness... I haven't given up on some dreams... just learned that "no" isn't a bad thing just the best thing.  I've learned to cling to my Savior more. To seek Him each day.

I'm going to do a few commercials or plugs right now.  There have been two things that have used that have helped me deal with these broken expectations. The first thing is that every morning I have read the from the devotional Jesus Calling  by Sarah Young. There have been days that God spoke directly to where I was, in the miry pit, and knowing that He knew where I was and found me there gave me enough to get through that moment.... I say moment because there where times that the next moment was all I could take. The other commercial is for the book Worthy to be Found by Deanna Doss Shrodes. This woman of God, fellow adoptee,  put into words some of my emotions. I saw that I was not alone or the only one to have struggles in the search. If you are an adoptee struggling in reunion.. I highly recommend this book. You can find it on amazon-  http://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Found-Unforgettable-Resilience-Restoration/dp/0985616865

So if you're struggling with broken expectations... know that you are not alone. You can get through it. If you seek, pray, and be honest with your feelings, He will send His comforter ... in the form that if fit just for you.  In a book, devotional, person or even a facebook post. And sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look past the broken expectation to see His Hand caring for you.

Birthdays for an adoptee

So this past Monday was my birthday. It was a hard one.

I recently looked through my tophop (the app that let's you see what you posted in social media on that date in years past) and noticed how much attention I was bringing to my up coming birthdays. It was almost obnoxious. I wondered why I did that and realized that as an adoptee I think I was looking for validation of my birth.  That my birth was important and existed. It was more than an altered birth certificate that is dated almost a year and a half after my birth. You see no one I know was present at my birth. Except of course Jesus.....

This year I didn't want any attention brought to this day.

Now both the parents who raised me are gone and I kind of feel orphaned again. On my birthday I walked past a shelf in the kitchen and noticed the musical turning birthday plate that my mom had placed many a cake on. Even as an adult, she would bring over a cake she had made for my birthday. That will never happen again. I cried.

But I think the hardest part of this years birthday was the fact that only a few weeks ago I sat a few yards from the woman who gave me life and she did not want to meet me. I wondered on this birthday if she remembered what day it was. I wondered if the person who I wanted to acknowledge my birthday had in her own way. I wanted to hear "Happy Birthday" come out of her mouth. While I had sat in the car, waiting on that May morning, I could see the outline of a head looking out of her window at me. I couldn't see her face because it was too dark, but I could see a head. She could see me, she now has a flesh and bone image of what she had given up. Did I matter to her?

Before all you not adopted people chime in.... these are normal questions for the adopted person, I know, I have meet many in person and on social media with these same questions... I am not crazy or alone in how I am thinking... and getting through this is and will be a long healing process.

I am healing. I am getting stronger. I am going longer without outbursts of tears.  BUT... I am still hurting, crying, struggling and wondering.

I am seeking God on what is next for me (and my husband).  We have been in transition for a number of years, empty nest and open to doing something or going somewhere new. There have been road blocks when ever we have tried to move forward.  I believe that my journey of reunion is NOT over yet but continue to seek God in what He would have me do next.  As I wait, I wonder if moving forward won't happen until some form of reunion happens.

There are important people in my life who believe with me that this is not over, that this will take time, and that she will come around. My question is what to do next and when to do it.  I have thought about writing her another note, something that would include how much it would mean to me to just see her and touch her (again.... you see I lived inside her for 9 months and saw her at birth... so yes, again)  and to give her my contact information again. I also know I have 2 half sisters, who probably have no idea that I exist. At this time, to honor my birth mother, I will not contact them (just stalk them on fb ;) ) That is the choice that God and I (and my hubby) have made at this time.  This does not mean I won't ever try... it just means not now.

The Bible says in Exodus 20:12-

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.

 This is what I'm trying to do in my journey, I want to honor her and not destroy her.  I also want to honor the parents who raised me and not act unkind or malicious.  And I want to honor my God and represent  Him in my actions towards her. Can you all understand this? I want to be and example of Jesus' love for her, in that although she has rejected me, turned her back on me, turned me away, tried to deny my existence,

I WILL NOT STOP LOVING HER AND PURSUING HER 

He never stopped pursuing me..... or you

He never stopped loving me ..... or you

and he never will.

I am truly thankful for that.... and so should you

I've been asked a few questions... Why?

As I have shared my experience with you all, many of you have asked me some things and many of you have been afraid to ask... so here are some answers to the questions

Why are you doing this?
    Well I have to, there is something inside of me that has driven me to do this search and to meet her. I am not looking to hurt myself, I'm driven, there is a "hole" or missing piece inside. I went to her house hoping for a good result and knowing I could have the result I had... but I didn't go there to be hurt... but to try to fill this hole.

What do I think will change if I meet her?
      Nothing, I'm not doing this to change me,  to change my life, to change the world. I just am driven to do this.

Here's the thing.... I was talking to someone today and finally figured out where this drive was coming from. You see I've realized what is driving me...

I need to know that she's okay.... that she is healing from the "hurt" in her life. God has placed in my a heart that has compassion for others, one that wants to help the hurting, to bring joy and healing. I've have prayed for this woman most of my life, I have asked God to reveal Himself to her, to place people in her life to show her His love for her.  I need to know if He has reached her. I need to know if she has found peace.

Can you all understand this? Yes the rejection hurts like hell. I've never hurt this much.  But is my pain worth it... I hope so, I hope she may even see my persistence as an example of God's love for her..

Maybe one of you is reading this and God has been reaching out to you and you've rejected He love. The pain I have felt from this rejection is nothing in comparison to the pain of the cross and the rejection. Think about it... He may have been seeking for you, searching, reaching out and you haven't responded..... don't wait.  Answer He call, respond to the love he has waiting to flood your life. You see, scripture talks about our adoption, into His family. He want's you to come to Him.

God is still reaching out to me, I opened fb this morning and the first thing I saw was this:

For some one today. !"God is about to take you where you could not go on your own. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation you are in right now, to shape you and prepare you for wants to bring you into. "Trust Him with His plan even if you don't understand.

So thanks for listening, praying, talking, caring and reading this. I do have to say that the pain is not as intense as it was yesterday, or the day before. I'm learning more and more about myself  and my Savior. I'm also learning who I can trust, and unfortunately who I can't.  Don't worry I still love you... I'm persist that way.

Blessing everyone.... by the way, feel free to share my story.  Hope it can help others.

Just so you know ... this hurts

It's been a few days since the second rejection.... It took a few days to cry, I finally broke down during worship at church on Sunday.. I find it hard to fake being fine in the presence of our Mighty God.  I then broke down before work today and couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurts.

I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.

So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:

1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?

2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.

3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?

4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.

5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.

6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.

7. Sometimes I want to talk about this,  and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.

8. Pray for me.  I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?

If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.

My husband has met her....Could this be over? or just the end of this chapter

Yesterday my husband and I had to drive to NY to pick up our daughter and son in law at the airport. We had taken the day off and were wondering how to make this an adventure and worth the time off. A few days prior I had this idea pop into my head about knocking on my birth mother's day and going from there.  I wasn't sure if this was a God idea or just a plan old idea, I asked some trusted friends to pray for me and about it and mentioned it to my husband.

My prayer was that if it was God's will I would know and follow through, I felt like I would know for sure if this was the right time and thing to do at the last minute.

Don and I left for NY and headed to her town in NJ. About 2 minutes before we got to her house we pulled over and prayed about the whole thing and decided that Don would go up to the door first, to kind of feel things out.... and I guess to protect me from a slammed door.

We got to her house (I took a picture of it) and saw that her car was in the parking spot. Don got out of the car knocked on her door and introduced himself and asked if my name sounded familiar, she said no. He then said well my wife believes that she's your daughter and is in the car and would like to meet you.  She quickly said no and shut the door.

Her action did confirm what we all knew, that I AM HER DAUGHTER!!! She did not say to Don that I was wrong, or that she didn't have this daughter, just a quick no and shut door.

Don says that I resemble her, but she looks older than the fb pics we have seen...

What I have been reminded of is that she has not really rejected me, but has rejected what I represent, the pain and hurt of what brought me into this world, and I guess that that has to be okay. I haven't cried yet but know I will.... you see God is in control... following this I went to visit some wonderful childhood friends, I was invited to celebrate the 100 anniversary of the church I grew up in. There I was surrounded (and grounded) by people who love me and know me and don't care where I came from , just that I have been in their lives... My one friend even turned to me and said.. isn't this amazing that on the very difficult day God has you here with us, with people who love you and know you...

Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan

SO what's next??? I don't know.... you see my birth mom now has flesh and bone and not just a piece of paper and a bad memory.  God can work in her life, as He is in mine.  He can stir her and move her to contact me... or we just call this over... you see she has indirectly confirmed who she is .... that is some of what I have been wanted... a closure of sorts.

I ask you to pray for me as I continue to process the events of 5-15-15...
I ask you to pray for her... I'm sure that yesterday was shocking... she is 70 and could be hard on her. You see I love her, just for choosing life, for having me, and for through her actions giving me this wonderful family and life I have had

Blessings to you.

My soap box pt 1

So the longer I'm waiting for a reunion the more I have to think about how I think.  In the journey I have been introduced to some amazing people but also some opinionated people. I sometime wonder if as adoptees many of us just want to get up and scream, I'm important, I'm worth something, and there are a number of adoptees who I don't agree with.

I think that many of us are happy and well adjusted people, people who were brought into a good and loving home without problems that families don't have. See, families are made up of imperfect people all with issues and joys. Sometime families are hard, sometimes easy, but whether that family was connected by blood or by court order, the problems can happen in either.

I was adopted into the family that God had chosen for me and in His plan made me into the person I am today. I also have non vocal adoptee friends who feel the same way.

So here is my soapbox.  We are all dealt a hand to play with.  Some are amazingly difficult and some are a royal flush without a care in the world. but all are what we have.  We can either quit the game, gripe about our hand and make everyone around us miserable, or put on a poker face and play our hand. Yes there are many injustices to battle against and spoke out about.  But our difficult hands are there to conform us, strengthen us and to enable us to help others in their struggle.