Could this journey be over?? pt1

This past winter, while walking my dog and praying -praying is the thing I do most while walking her other than keeping her from chasing bunnies- I knew I had to put an end date to me actively searching for my birth mother. Yes that is still what I call her... I've been introduced to a community that has given her many other names like first mother, mother of loss, etc.... but It's been her "name" for me for 50 yrs and you can't teach a dog new tricks. Anyway my 50th birthday would be the end of this chapter, that my friends is Saturday. insert age joke and celebrations here.

Now back in March I posted one of those iso posters on Facebook to see if anyone out there would know anyone who might know someone who could be a friend of a anyone.  You see I'd been looking... all my life really, in faces of strangers, on train, planes and automobiles, in cities, in towns, at fair, at funerals... everywhere --- for someone who looked like me. Yes for those who know me.. my kids look like me (and look like Don too) but who did I look like? I married into a family with close ties and someone looks like someone else and at times it made me feel a little more lost.

This picture did some wonderful things... it introduced me to a very supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable community of people who get it. Many are advocates, many are activists, but all have been touched by adoption. We don't all agree on what adoption is or have had the same experiences but we all get it --- we understand that MISSING PIECE. that gnawing unanswered questions. on one side- who am I? and the other who is she/he? And on both sides--- will I be accepted or rejected?

Well a few of these people gave me direction and hope.  I had hired a private eye - which according to search angels are thieves and crooks and really only want the money - yes seems to be be my experience.
Well I was connected with a wonderful search angel who told where to go and who to ask. See I had my non identifying information, from NY state and from Nassau County... and I thought I had a lot of information  and that with this it would be easy, you see when I hired the PI almost 3 years ago, before I paid them, they told me I had a lot of information and that it shouldn't take long.
HA!
Well this search angel said there were holes in my information, that things didn't seem to line up. So she gave me some direction.  direction that at this point I will keep to myself.  but direction that gave me the information I needed. When I gave this information to my search angel... it took her TWO HOURS to not only find my birth mother but I had pictures and contact information.

So I called my birth mother, left a message about doing some research and wanting to talk to her, and could she call me back? See it was also from my information- her birthday. She didn't call back.  I called a few days later. Same scenario but included doing research on Robinson family --- she didn't call back.

So - next step jump in the car and bang on her door    I write her a letter, a letter that included many of the things I've always wanted to say, to tell her that I've been looking for her, wanted to meet her... but that I respected her and didn't want to disrupt her life and that it was up to her if she wanted my back in her life. I include picture of me and my family - life events- and I included scripture and love. You see I love her. I've never "met" her but there is a place in my heart for her - the woman who gave birth to me. Don't you all love the woman who gave you life????

I went to many stores- looking for the right paper. This letter would be handwritten, on paper that reflected me, you see this may be her only contact with me and I wanted her to have as much of who I was as I could pack in an envelope. I wrote a rough draft on the computer so I could move things around without scribbling and re-writing things... then I sat and wrote - only messed up one sheet - and the Saturday before Mother's Day I sent it certified mail. I did not want it to go into anyone else's hands. I respect her too much, had she never told anyone about me before I did not want her to be forced to now against her will.

BTW - yeah that's right called her on her birthday and sent a letter right before Mother's Day... gee great timing.

I also sent it certified so I would know that SHE received it.  A few days later I got the postcard with HER signature - I cried... a piece of her - and maybe the only piece I ever get.

So now it's 2 days before my birthday and haven't heard anything from her yet, I recently read (oh am reading... it's in many parts and she's not done yet) a blog where her birth mother took 2 years before she was ready to meet her. So I wait... but no more pursuing. In my heart of hearts I believe that one day we will meet. When she's ready.  I know also that I have siblings and would love to meet them too. but in her time.
But really in God's time, for I know in whom I believe in  and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.

Pray for me please.  there are things I need to deal with in this and at time struggle. I don't want to become bitter due to a "second rejection" 

I tell myself and others.. it's time to live forward.  My life has been blessed so greatly wonderful husband and kids.. family is growing as my kids are marrying wonderful people.  I will - fingers crossed - have grandchildren to love forward. It's a wonderful life God has given me. His guiding Hand directing my path and this journey.  
Be blessed - 

Pt 2 ???? when I meet her.
 okay?