I've been asked a few questions... Why?

As I have shared my experience with you all, many of you have asked me some things and many of you have been afraid to ask... so here are some answers to the questions

Why are you doing this?
    Well I have to, there is something inside of me that has driven me to do this search and to meet her. I am not looking to hurt myself, I'm driven, there is a "hole" or missing piece inside. I went to her house hoping for a good result and knowing I could have the result I had... but I didn't go there to be hurt... but to try to fill this hole.

What do I think will change if I meet her?
      Nothing, I'm not doing this to change me,  to change my life, to change the world. I just am driven to do this.

Here's the thing.... I was talking to someone today and finally figured out where this drive was coming from. You see I've realized what is driving me...

I need to know that she's okay.... that she is healing from the "hurt" in her life. God has placed in my a heart that has compassion for others, one that wants to help the hurting, to bring joy and healing. I've have prayed for this woman most of my life, I have asked God to reveal Himself to her, to place people in her life to show her His love for her.  I need to know if He has reached her. I need to know if she has found peace.

Can you all understand this? Yes the rejection hurts like hell. I've never hurt this much.  But is my pain worth it... I hope so, I hope she may even see my persistence as an example of God's love for her..

Maybe one of you is reading this and God has been reaching out to you and you've rejected He love. The pain I have felt from this rejection is nothing in comparison to the pain of the cross and the rejection. Think about it... He may have been seeking for you, searching, reaching out and you haven't responded..... don't wait.  Answer He call, respond to the love he has waiting to flood your life. You see, scripture talks about our adoption, into His family. He want's you to come to Him.

God is still reaching out to me, I opened fb this morning and the first thing I saw was this:

For some one today. !"God is about to take you where you could not go on your own. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation you are in right now, to shape you and prepare you for wants to bring you into. "Trust Him with His plan even if you don't understand.

So thanks for listening, praying, talking, caring and reading this. I do have to say that the pain is not as intense as it was yesterday, or the day before. I'm learning more and more about myself  and my Savior. I'm also learning who I can trust, and unfortunately who I can't.  Don't worry I still love you... I'm persist that way.

Blessing everyone.... by the way, feel free to share my story.  Hope it can help others.

Just so you know ... this hurts

It's been a few days since the second rejection.... It took a few days to cry, I finally broke down during worship at church on Sunday.. I find it hard to fake being fine in the presence of our Mighty God.  I then broke down before work today and couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurts.

I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.

So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:

1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?

2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.

3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?

4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.

5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.

6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.

7. Sometimes I want to talk about this,  and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.

8. Pray for me.  I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?

If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.

My husband has met her....Could this be over? or just the end of this chapter

Yesterday my husband and I had to drive to NY to pick up our daughter and son in law at the airport. We had taken the day off and were wondering how to make this an adventure and worth the time off. A few days prior I had this idea pop into my head about knocking on my birth mother's day and going from there.  I wasn't sure if this was a God idea or just a plan old idea, I asked some trusted friends to pray for me and about it and mentioned it to my husband.

My prayer was that if it was God's will I would know and follow through, I felt like I would know for sure if this was the right time and thing to do at the last minute.

Don and I left for NY and headed to her town in NJ. About 2 minutes before we got to her house we pulled over and prayed about the whole thing and decided that Don would go up to the door first, to kind of feel things out.... and I guess to protect me from a slammed door.

We got to her house (I took a picture of it) and saw that her car was in the parking spot. Don got out of the car knocked on her door and introduced himself and asked if my name sounded familiar, she said no. He then said well my wife believes that she's your daughter and is in the car and would like to meet you.  She quickly said no and shut the door.

Her action did confirm what we all knew, that I AM HER DAUGHTER!!! She did not say to Don that I was wrong, or that she didn't have this daughter, just a quick no and shut door.

Don says that I resemble her, but she looks older than the fb pics we have seen...

What I have been reminded of is that she has not really rejected me, but has rejected what I represent, the pain and hurt of what brought me into this world, and I guess that that has to be okay. I haven't cried yet but know I will.... you see God is in control... following this I went to visit some wonderful childhood friends, I was invited to celebrate the 100 anniversary of the church I grew up in. There I was surrounded (and grounded) by people who love me and know me and don't care where I came from , just that I have been in their lives... My one friend even turned to me and said.. isn't this amazing that on the very difficult day God has you here with us, with people who love you and know you...

Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan

SO what's next??? I don't know.... you see my birth mom now has flesh and bone and not just a piece of paper and a bad memory.  God can work in her life, as He is in mine.  He can stir her and move her to contact me... or we just call this over... you see she has indirectly confirmed who she is .... that is some of what I have been wanted... a closure of sorts.

I ask you to pray for me as I continue to process the events of 5-15-15...
I ask you to pray for her... I'm sure that yesterday was shocking... she is 70 and could be hard on her. You see I love her, just for choosing life, for having me, and for through her actions giving me this wonderful family and life I have had

Blessings to you.