I recently looked through my tophop (the app that let's you see what you posted in social media on that date in years past) and noticed how much attention I was bringing to my up coming birthdays. It was almost obnoxious. I wondered why I did that and realized that as an adoptee I think I was looking for validation of my birth. That my birth was important and existed. It was more than an altered birth certificate that is dated almost a year and a half after my birth. You see no one I know was present at my birth. Except of course Jesus.....
This year I didn't want any attention brought to this day.
Now both the parents who raised me are gone and I kind of feel orphaned again. On my birthday I walked past a shelf in the kitchen and noticed the musical turning birthday plate that my mom had placed many a cake on. Even as an adult, she would bring over a cake she had made for my birthday. That will never happen again. I cried.
But I think the hardest part of this years birthday was the fact that only a few weeks ago I sat a few yards from the woman who gave me life and she did not want to meet me. I wondered on this birthday if she remembered what day it was. I wondered if the person who I wanted to acknowledge my birthday had in her own way. I wanted to hear "Happy Birthday" come out of her mouth. While I had sat in the car, waiting on that May morning, I could see the outline of a head looking out of her window at me. I couldn't see her face because it was too dark, but I could see a head. She could see me, she now has a flesh and bone image of what she had given up. Did I matter to her?
Before all you not adopted people chime in.... these are normal questions for the adopted person, I know, I have meet many in person and on social media with these same questions... I am not crazy or alone in how I am thinking... and getting through this is and will be a long healing process.
I am healing. I am getting stronger. I am going longer without outbursts of tears. BUT... I am still hurting, crying, struggling and wondering.
I am seeking God on what is next for me (and my husband). We have been in transition for a number of years, empty nest and open to doing something or going somewhere new. There have been road blocks when ever we have tried to move forward. I believe that my journey of reunion is NOT over yet but continue to seek God in what He would have me do next. As I wait, I wonder if moving forward won't happen until some form of reunion happens.
There are important people in my life who believe with me that this is not over, that this will take time, and that she will come around. My question is what to do next and when to do it. I have thought about writing her another note, something that would include how much it would mean to me to just see her and touch her (again.... you see I lived inside her for 9 months and saw her at birth... so yes, again) and to give her my contact information again. I also know I have 2 half sisters, who probably have no idea that I exist. At this time, to honor my birth mother, I will not contact them (just stalk them on fb ;) ) That is the choice that God and I (and my hubby) have made at this time. This does not mean I won't ever try... it just means not now.
The Bible says in Exodus 20:12-
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.
This is what I'm trying to do in my journey, I want to honor her and not destroy her. I also want to honor the parents who raised me and not act unkind or malicious. And I want to honor my God and represent Him in my actions towards her. Can you all understand this? I want to be and example of Jesus' love for her, in that although she has rejected me, turned her back on me, turned me away, tried to deny my existence,
I WILL NOT STOP LOVING HER AND PURSUING HER
He never stopped pursuing me..... or you
He never stopped loving me ..... or you
and he never will.
I am truly thankful for that.... and so should you
