So I turned 50 and didn't hear from "her" and I'm okay with this... I don't want to disrupt or "ruin" her life... I feel in my heart of hearts that someday she'll be ready...just not now...
So my life seems to be in limbo. My kids are grown and either married or preparing for marriage. My adoptive parents are gone. My job is a job and not what it once was. I used to teach and I miss that. My church is in transition. It seems like everyday I work, come home, sleep then rinse and repeat.
One thing that has happened recently is that by spending a week alone with my hubby my love for him grew in leaps and bounds... We had a great vacation with the only thing to worry about was what towel animal would be on our bed when we got back from dinner... and we really enjoyed being with each other... no kids, no housework, no work, and no bills (until we got home)
So why am I writing today.. I don't know...
The bible says a people without a vision shall surely die.. and maybe it's I'm looking for a vision. Hubby and I have talked about so many different ideas.. house flipping, buying a rv and traveling, My church is praying and considering opening a school so that's exciting.. but not by any means definite.
The one thing on our hearts is to move to Guatemala and work at a children's home.. I would teach and hubby (I will call him hubby since he is VERY private) would help with maintenance. Are we called to go...??? We're still not 100% sure. depends on when you ask us. I love Guatemala and the people at the home and feel it would be a great use of our gifts.
So as a put a bookmark in this journey for my birth mother... pray for us was we seek God's plan for us.
Maybe I should start a blog about life at 50... and a search for vision and purpose.. what do you think... would anyone read it?
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Could this journey be over?? pt1
This past winter, while walking my dog and praying -praying is the thing I do most while walking her other than keeping her from chasing bunnies- I knew I had to put an end date to me actively searching for my birth mother. Yes that is still what I call her... I've been introduced to a community that has given her many other names like first mother, mother of loss, etc.... but It's been her "name" for me for 50 yrs and you can't teach a dog new tricks. Anyway my 50th birthday would be the end of this chapter, that my friends is Saturday. insert age joke and celebrations here.
Now back in March I posted one of those iso posters on Facebook to see if anyone out there would know anyone who might know someone who could be a friend of a anyone. You see I'd been looking... all my life really, in faces of strangers, on train, planes and automobiles, in cities, in towns, at fair, at funerals... everywhere --- for someone who looked like me. Yes for those who know me.. my kids look like me (and look like Don too) but who did I look like? I married into a family with close ties and someone looks like someone else and at times it made me feel a little more lost.
This picture did some wonderful things... it introduced me to a very supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable community of people who get it. Many are advocates, many are activists, but all have been touched by adoption. We don't all agree on what adoption is or have had the same experiences but we all get it --- we understand that MISSING PIECE. that gnawing unanswered questions. on one side- who am I? and the other who is she/he? And on both sides--- will I be accepted or rejected?
Well a few of these people gave me direction and hope. I had hired a private eye - which according to search angels are thieves and crooks and really only want the money - yes seems to be be my experience.
Well I was connected with a wonderful search angel who told where to go and who to ask. See I had my non identifying information, from NY state and from Nassau County... and I thought I had a lot of information and that with this it would be easy, you see when I hired the PI almost 3 years ago, before I paid them, they told me I had a lot of information and that it shouldn't take long.
HA!
Well this search angel said there were holes in my information, that things didn't seem to line up. So she gave me some direction. direction that at this point I will keep to myself. but direction that gave me the information I needed. When I gave this information to my search angel... it took her TWO HOURS to not only find my birth mother but I had pictures and contact information.
So I called my birth mother, left a message about doing some research and wanting to talk to her, and could she call me back? See it was also from my information- her birthday. She didn't call back. I called a few days later. Same scenario but included doing research on Robinson family --- she didn't call back.
So - next stepjump in the car and bang on her door I write her a letter, a letter that included many of the things I've always wanted to say, to tell her that I've been looking for her, wanted to meet her... but that I respected her and didn't want to disrupt her life and that it was up to her if she wanted my back in her life. I include picture of me and my family - life events- and I included scripture and love. You see I love her. I've never "met" her but there is a place in my heart for her - the woman who gave birth to me. Don't you all love the woman who gave you life????
I went to many stores- looking for the right paper. This letter would be handwritten, on paper that reflected me, you see this may be her only contact with me and I wanted her to have as much of who I was as I could pack in an envelope. I wrote a rough draft on the computer so I could move things around without scribbling and re-writing things... then I sat and wrote - only messed up one sheet - and the Saturday before Mother's Day I sent it certified mail. I did not want it to go into anyone else's hands. I respect her too much, had she never told anyone about me before I did not want her to be forced to now against her will.
BTW - yeah that's right called her on her birthday and sent a letter right before Mother's Day... gee great timing.
I also sent it certified so I would know that SHE received it. A few days later I got the postcard with HER signature - I cried... a piece of her - and maybe the only piece I ever get.
So now it's 2 days before my birthday and haven't heard anything from her yet, I recently read (oh am reading... it's in many parts and she's not done yet) a blog where her birth mother took 2 years before she was ready to meet her. So I wait... but no more pursuing. In my heart of hearts I believe that one day we will meet. When she's ready. I know also that I have siblings and would love to meet them too. but in her time.
But really in God's time, for I know in whom I believe in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.
Pray for me please. there are things I need to deal with in this and at time struggle. I don't want to become bitter due to a "second rejection"
I tell myself and others.. it's time to live forward. My life has been blessed so greatly wonderful husband and kids.. family is growing as my kids are marrying wonderful people. I will - fingers crossed - have grandchildren to love forward. It's a wonderful life God has given me. His guiding Hand directing my path and this journey.
Be blessed -
Pt 2 ???? when I meet her.
okay?
Now back in March I posted one of those iso posters on Facebook to see if anyone out there would know anyone who might know someone who could be a friend of a anyone. You see I'd been looking... all my life really, in faces of strangers, on train, planes and automobiles, in cities, in towns, at fair, at funerals... everywhere --- for someone who looked like me. Yes for those who know me.. my kids look like me (and look like Don too) but who did I look like? I married into a family with close ties and someone looks like someone else and at times it made me feel a little more lost.
This picture did some wonderful things... it introduced me to a very supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable community of people who get it. Many are advocates, many are activists, but all have been touched by adoption. We don't all agree on what adoption is or have had the same experiences but we all get it --- we understand that MISSING PIECE. that gnawing unanswered questions. on one side- who am I? and the other who is she/he? And on both sides--- will I be accepted or rejected?
Well a few of these people gave me direction and hope. I had hired a private eye - which according to search angels are thieves and crooks and really only want the money - yes seems to be be my experience.
Well I was connected with a wonderful search angel who told where to go and who to ask. See I had my non identifying information, from NY state and from Nassau County... and I thought I had a lot of information and that with this it would be easy, you see when I hired the PI almost 3 years ago, before I paid them, they told me I had a lot of information and that it shouldn't take long.
HA!
Well this search angel said there were holes in my information, that things didn't seem to line up. So she gave me some direction. direction that at this point I will keep to myself. but direction that gave me the information I needed. When I gave this information to my search angel... it took her TWO HOURS to not only find my birth mother but I had pictures and contact information.
So I called my birth mother, left a message about doing some research and wanting to talk to her, and could she call me back? See it was also from my information- her birthday. She didn't call back. I called a few days later. Same scenario but included doing research on Robinson family --- she didn't call back.
So - next step
I went to many stores- looking for the right paper. This letter would be handwritten, on paper that reflected me, you see this may be her only contact with me and I wanted her to have as much of who I was as I could pack in an envelope. I wrote a rough draft on the computer so I could move things around without scribbling and re-writing things... then I sat and wrote - only messed up one sheet - and the Saturday before Mother's Day I sent it certified mail. I did not want it to go into anyone else's hands. I respect her too much, had she never told anyone about me before I did not want her to be forced to now against her will.
BTW - yeah that's right called her on her birthday and sent a letter right before Mother's Day... gee great timing.
I also sent it certified so I would know that SHE received it. A few days later I got the postcard with HER signature - I cried... a piece of her - and maybe the only piece I ever get.
So now it's 2 days before my birthday and haven't heard anything from her yet, I recently read (oh am reading... it's in many parts and she's not done yet) a blog where her birth mother took 2 years before she was ready to meet her. So I wait... but no more pursuing. In my heart of hearts I believe that one day we will meet. When she's ready. I know also that I have siblings and would love to meet them too. but in her time.
But really in God's time, for I know in whom I believe in and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.
Pray for me please. there are things I need to deal with in this and at time struggle. I don't want to become bitter due to a "second rejection"
I tell myself and others.. it's time to live forward. My life has been blessed so greatly wonderful husband and kids.. family is growing as my kids are marrying wonderful people. I will - fingers crossed - have grandchildren to love forward. It's a wonderful life God has given me. His guiding Hand directing my path and this journey.
Be blessed -
Pt 2 ???? when I meet her.
okay?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
And now I wait
I'm keeping things under wrap right now... just want to say that I believe I have found my birth mother and am attempting contact... I will fill you in on what I can...
I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the advice and direction given to me by those who have walked in these shoes...
When I have the answers and feel I can share... I will tell you all what I can...
We have to remember that it isn't just my life that was a part of my birth and I want to respect and honor the woman who gave me life.
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts... I believe this journey is near the end... but it may be the beginning of a new one
Love you ALL
I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for the advice and direction given to me by those who have walked in these shoes...
When I have the answers and feel I can share... I will tell you all what I can...
We have to remember that it isn't just my life that was a part of my birth and I want to respect and honor the woman who gave me life.
Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts... I believe this journey is near the end... but it may be the beginning of a new one
Love you ALL
Sunday, March 24, 2013
the goodness of people
Well it's been a little over 2 weeks since I posted my search picture on facebook. No I haven't found any of my birth family yet,... and in the dark moments I don't think I ever will this side of Heaven. However I have met some very nice people. The support from friends, strangers and new friends is wonderful.
I have been given advice from people who have already done the search (some too late).
I've discovered some new information. A search angel advised me to petition for my order of adoption which revealed that my birth name was Patricia Robinson. I have a correspondence from the lawyer who handled my adoption that had that name on it and we had speculated that that was my name... it is now confirmed.
The order of adoption also had my birth in Valley Stream NY. My birth certificate had said Hempstead. Curious? not really.. it's kinda a Long Island thing. See there are hamlets in towns... and Valley Stream is a hamlet of Hempstead, just like Port Washington is a hamlet of the Town of North Hempstead. Anyway, just some new info (or clarifying info)
I have a few new avenues to look at. Both the search angel and the private eye I hired seems to think that there are too many holes in my non identifying info so I'm going to make some phone calls this week .. questions are: Was Robinson my birth fathers last name? Was my birth mother in a home for unwed mothers? (this is THE question - if she was there was one in Valley Stream, run by the Salvation Army and children born there are have documentation says born in Valley Stream and born in Hempstead which I have both..... hmm....) Hopefully answers at least one of these questions.. I'm told that answers are permitted if I ask the right questions.
Anyway I'll keep you all updated
I have been given advice from people who have already done the search (some too late).
I've discovered some new information. A search angel advised me to petition for my order of adoption which revealed that my birth name was Patricia Robinson. I have a correspondence from the lawyer who handled my adoption that had that name on it and we had speculated that that was my name... it is now confirmed.
The order of adoption also had my birth in Valley Stream NY. My birth certificate had said Hempstead. Curious? not really.. it's kinda a Long Island thing. See there are hamlets in towns... and Valley Stream is a hamlet of Hempstead, just like Port Washington is a hamlet of the Town of North Hempstead. Anyway, just some new info (or clarifying info)
I have a few new avenues to look at. Both the search angel and the private eye I hired seems to think that there are too many holes in my non identifying info so I'm going to make some phone calls this week .. questions are: Was Robinson my birth fathers last name? Was my birth mother in a home for unwed mothers? (this is THE question - if she was there was one in Valley Stream, run by the Salvation Army and children born there are have documentation says born in Valley Stream and born in Hempstead which I have both..... hmm....) Hopefully answers at least one of these questions.. I'm told that answers are permitted if I ask the right questions.
Anyway I'll keep you all updated
Friday, March 8, 2013
so much in a year pt 2. Restoration in loss
I found this draft and figure... hey I'll post it :)
I would like to share a few things outside of my search that I have experienced or learned with the passing of mom. okay?
My mom was a great lady and always wanted the best for me and my brothers, and with imperfection she did her best to do so. One dynamic of my family is that we have all just kind of lived our lives and connected through her, heard of each others lives etc. Well since she passed, I hear from my brothers regularly, see their families and really have reconnected with them. We often say to each other that mom is smiling down on us. (And if my brothers are reading this right now... thanks for giving me a break from all the phone calls late at night. there is nothing new, November is coming and you can pest me then,...)
this was written over a year ago.. and I still am thankful for the family God placed me in when my birth family couldn't care for me
I would like to share a few things outside of my search that I have experienced or learned with the passing of mom. okay?
My mom was a great lady and always wanted the best for me and my brothers, and with imperfection she did her best to do so. One dynamic of my family is that we have all just kind of lived our lives and connected through her, heard of each others lives etc. Well since she passed, I hear from my brothers regularly, see their families and really have reconnected with them. We often say to each other that mom is smiling down on us. (And if my brothers are reading this right now... thanks for giving me a break from all the phone calls late at night. there is nothing new, November is coming and you can pest me then,...)
this was written over a year ago.. and I still am thankful for the family God placed me in when my birth family couldn't care for me
Monday, March 4, 2013
Today I try something new
Well over a year and a half ago I hired a private eye to search, paid a lot of money and still no results. Recently i have seen a number of posts on facebook with searcher putting some information about their adoption. Some that I have re-posted have been reunited in days... not sure if I would get those some results but ... that's my plan today!!! Just enough info to see if there are any family members out there.
I spent some time in prayer about this and have decided that if I don't find anymore out by my 50th birthday (in June) then I will drop the search a together and will be at peace with the fact that a reunion is not meant to be. Please don't tell me to never give up.. it's just that really this is hard on me especially after mom died and to know that I will never know will settle my heart. I know I always have a Heavenly Father that loved me so much that He sent His Son as a sacrifice for my sins. I know He sent me to 2 wonderful parents who loved me and wanted me.
So here's to my final try... pray for God's will and peace in my heart
I spent some time in prayer about this and have decided that if I don't find anymore out by my 50th birthday (in June) then I will drop the search a together and will be at peace with the fact that a reunion is not meant to be. Please don't tell me to never give up.. it's just that really this is hard on me especially after mom died and to know that I will never know will settle my heart. I know I always have a Heavenly Father that loved me so much that He sent His Son as a sacrifice for my sins. I know He sent me to 2 wonderful parents who loved me and wanted me.
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