an adoptee defines family

This search has been full of ups and downs.

 But isn't life like that?

This past year has had one of the most difficult parts, what's known as the second rejection.  At times I really didn't feel like I would or could recover from it. With the help of prayer, dear friends and Jesus I did.

I've learned that it is better to get what you need instead of what you want.

After my mom passed and then my aunt, I felt very disconnected to things here. Yes I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids but the anchor holding me here seemed to disappear. Being adopted, I felt orphaned again. No heritage, lineage, ancestry. I believe that was the biggest motivator in my search, to find a place where I belonged. An origin. Before you get all spiritual on me, I know I'm a daughter of the most High God, created in His image, with a hope and a future. But I had no roots. A dear friend, who passed away a few weeks ago, enlightened me to the fact that my grief of losing my mom was driving me forward in this search and helped me realize what my grief had been doing.

My dad had passed away when I was 14 and have had little if any interaction with his family after his funeral. A little while back I used social media to reconnect with some second cousins as we reminisced about a family vacation spot that we had all shared, a place that was held dear in our heart and only we would understand. A few months later my brother and I received an e-mail from my dad's last living cousin, inviting us to a family reunion. I have to say we were a bit apprehensive about going since it had been 4 decades since we had anything to do with them.

So the weekend came, it started out very very difficult, you see it started out burying this dear friend who had encouraged me and helped to lift me out of the hurt place of the second rejection. Tears in my eyes, my husband and I got in the car and began the 4 hour drive to Connecticut, on the way we shared a pizza and tears with my college roommate. God knows who I need and when. We arrived at the reunion, I met my brother at the door of the Inn and walked in.... walked in to open arms and hearts. This weekend I met my family. period. my family.  These people accepted me as one of their own, no strings. My brother and I had to remind them that we were adopted a few times when they mentioned family traits and resemblances. Their reaction... "every family has a story" "we're still family". You see as a child there were members of this family who reminded us ALL the time that we were not blood relatives. Those people are deceased and buried with them seems to be that attitude... Thank you Jesus.  This weekend (and in the weeks since) I was told of my heritage, my ancestry, where my father came from.  We shared stories, we compared "notes", we talked politics and religion (with out fighting), we reminisced about those who are gone and places we shared, I confessed that I was a Mets fan.  We built relationships and bonds.

We were a family in EVERY sense of the word.

God gave me a family.... one that wanted me.... wanted to meet me and continue a relationship with me. I got grounded again. Healed. anchored I became a part of a big picture. He gave me a family I needed.

Now for those who think I still don't want to meet my birth family. You're wrong, I do.... but I can meet them now with a healed heart.  Does this mean that God will open that door for me.. I don't know? And shhhhh don't tell anyone but part of my birth family lives in a village near the reunion and we did drive by their houses and I did see a member of that family in flesh and blood... yeah I did that.

SO I move forward. Waiting for what God has in store for me. I look forward to the next reunion. I look forward to chats on social media. I look forward to restored relationships... families are still broken. I look forward to my kids meeting my family...... all of them.

Psalm 27:10-14 (NLT)

 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. 

Teach me how to live, O LORD . Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. 

 Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. 

 Yet I am confident I will see the LORD ’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.

 Wait patiently for the LORD . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD .

Guidelines for the search -

I was chatting with a new searcher the other day and going over where to get information for her search and then started to share with her things that could happen and what she might expect.  I thought to myself... hey self... I've seen a ton of the how to and where to go but not a lot of what can happen along the way... why don't you post some direction and insight... so here goes!!

1. Remember that you are not alone...

2. You will feel alone.

3. Things can happen quickly

4. Things can take forever

5. Friends can be very supportive

6. Friends can be very discouraging

7. This journey can be ALL consuming

8. You have a life to be lived today in the present.

9. You may have a wonderful reunion

10. You may never find the one you are looking for.... and it has to be okay

11. The end may not be the end.... just a pause for God to do something else

12. We (adoptees) have rights that have been denied to us... the right to know our origins...you can fight for this right but not everyone has to be an advocate.... some of us just support the cause.

13. The adoption process is and has been corrupt. This won't change over night... you do not have to live as a victim of this broken system.  There are MANY children who's lives have been saved through adoption... There ARE good adoption stories... Happy families... Loving homes.

14. EVERY family is different adopted and natural (hate that term)

15. Only God will open doors and close them too.

16. God's plan in perfect... humans can mess it up.

17. We all look for familiar faces - natural families don't always look alike

18. To be respected you should be respectful. Honor your parents. (both sets)  God has a promise that goes with that one.

19. In your search you may find friends in high places... protect them so others will still have have resource

20.Thank those who help you - many have already been through the pain of their search and may still need encouragement once in a while

21. Help those in their journey- guide, encourage, listen, listen, listen, advise but be careful.. your journey might be different

22. Cry with those who cry, rejoice with those who rejoice.

23. Don't get bitter at those who have happy endings when yours isn't working out well.

24. When you are rejoicing.. be mindful of those who can't yet.

That's all I have right now.... comment below if you think I've missed something... I probably have.

Broken expectations

The other day I was reading my devotions and skimmed some words and together came up with Broken Expectations. I stopped and pondered those words... broken expectations.

Have you even had expectations that broke... that you'd dream would go a certain way and for no reason that makes sense ... didn't go the way you'd expect them to? They broke... Recently I've had a number of broken expectations.. not just in my journey but in many areas...

I expected to have found a house, a calling, a direction etc. by now. I've been asking God and seeking for over 5 years to see where He wants us.  I know presently to "bloom where I'm planted" but there are gifts and passions inside of me that are laying dormant and unused. I excepted by now I would be using them... but instead I wait...

I think however that I had to be broken, or to have my expectations broken, to get to where I am now. Ready to give up so much to go further.  The things that hurt so much recently have dimmed. I've found healing in brokeness... I haven't given up on some dreams... just learned that "no" isn't a bad thing just the best thing.  I've learned to cling to my Savior more. To seek Him each day.

I'm going to do a few commercials or plugs right now.  There have been two things that have used that have helped me deal with these broken expectations. The first thing is that every morning I have read the from the devotional Jesus Calling  by Sarah Young. There have been days that God spoke directly to where I was, in the miry pit, and knowing that He knew where I was and found me there gave me enough to get through that moment.... I say moment because there where times that the next moment was all I could take. The other commercial is for the book Worthy to be Found by Deanna Doss Shrodes. This woman of God, fellow adoptee,  put into words some of my emotions. I saw that I was not alone or the only one to have struggles in the search. If you are an adoptee struggling in reunion.. I highly recommend this book. You can find it on amazon-  http://www.amazon.com/Worthy-Found-Unforgettable-Resilience-Restoration/dp/0985616865

So if you're struggling with broken expectations... know that you are not alone. You can get through it. If you seek, pray, and be honest with your feelings, He will send His comforter ... in the form that if fit just for you.  In a book, devotional, person or even a facebook post. And sometimes you just have to open your eyes and look past the broken expectation to see His Hand caring for you.

Birthdays for an adoptee

So this past Monday was my birthday. It was a hard one.

I recently looked through my tophop (the app that let's you see what you posted in social media on that date in years past) and noticed how much attention I was bringing to my up coming birthdays. It was almost obnoxious. I wondered why I did that and realized that as an adoptee I think I was looking for validation of my birth.  That my birth was important and existed. It was more than an altered birth certificate that is dated almost a year and a half after my birth. You see no one I know was present at my birth. Except of course Jesus.....

This year I didn't want any attention brought to this day.

Now both the parents who raised me are gone and I kind of feel orphaned again. On my birthday I walked past a shelf in the kitchen and noticed the musical turning birthday plate that my mom had placed many a cake on. Even as an adult, she would bring over a cake she had made for my birthday. That will never happen again. I cried.

But I think the hardest part of this years birthday was the fact that only a few weeks ago I sat a few yards from the woman who gave me life and she did not want to meet me. I wondered on this birthday if she remembered what day it was. I wondered if the person who I wanted to acknowledge my birthday had in her own way. I wanted to hear "Happy Birthday" come out of her mouth. While I had sat in the car, waiting on that May morning, I could see the outline of a head looking out of her window at me. I couldn't see her face because it was too dark, but I could see a head. She could see me, she now has a flesh and bone image of what she had given up. Did I matter to her?

Before all you not adopted people chime in.... these are normal questions for the adopted person, I know, I have meet many in person and on social media with these same questions... I am not crazy or alone in how I am thinking... and getting through this is and will be a long healing process.

I am healing. I am getting stronger. I am going longer without outbursts of tears.  BUT... I am still hurting, crying, struggling and wondering.

I am seeking God on what is next for me (and my husband).  We have been in transition for a number of years, empty nest and open to doing something or going somewhere new. There have been road blocks when ever we have tried to move forward.  I believe that my journey of reunion is NOT over yet but continue to seek God in what He would have me do next.  As I wait, I wonder if moving forward won't happen until some form of reunion happens.

There are important people in my life who believe with me that this is not over, that this will take time, and that she will come around. My question is what to do next and when to do it.  I have thought about writing her another note, something that would include how much it would mean to me to just see her and touch her (again.... you see I lived inside her for 9 months and saw her at birth... so yes, again)  and to give her my contact information again. I also know I have 2 half sisters, who probably have no idea that I exist. At this time, to honor my birth mother, I will not contact them (just stalk them on fb ;) ) That is the choice that God and I (and my hubby) have made at this time.  This does not mean I won't ever try... it just means not now.

The Bible says in Exodus 20:12-

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.

 This is what I'm trying to do in my journey, I want to honor her and not destroy her.  I also want to honor the parents who raised me and not act unkind or malicious.  And I want to honor my God and represent  Him in my actions towards her. Can you all understand this? I want to be and example of Jesus' love for her, in that although she has rejected me, turned her back on me, turned me away, tried to deny my existence,

I WILL NOT STOP LOVING HER AND PURSUING HER 

He never stopped pursuing me..... or you

He never stopped loving me ..... or you

and he never will.

I am truly thankful for that.... and so should you

I've been asked a few questions... Why?

As I have shared my experience with you all, many of you have asked me some things and many of you have been afraid to ask... so here are some answers to the questions

Why are you doing this?
    Well I have to, there is something inside of me that has driven me to do this search and to meet her. I am not looking to hurt myself, I'm driven, there is a "hole" or missing piece inside. I went to her house hoping for a good result and knowing I could have the result I had... but I didn't go there to be hurt... but to try to fill this hole.

What do I think will change if I meet her?
      Nothing, I'm not doing this to change me,  to change my life, to change the world. I just am driven to do this.

Here's the thing.... I was talking to someone today and finally figured out where this drive was coming from. You see I've realized what is driving me...

I need to know that she's okay.... that she is healing from the "hurt" in her life. God has placed in my a heart that has compassion for others, one that wants to help the hurting, to bring joy and healing. I've have prayed for this woman most of my life, I have asked God to reveal Himself to her, to place people in her life to show her His love for her.  I need to know if He has reached her. I need to know if she has found peace.

Can you all understand this? Yes the rejection hurts like hell. I've never hurt this much.  But is my pain worth it... I hope so, I hope she may even see my persistence as an example of God's love for her..

Maybe one of you is reading this and God has been reaching out to you and you've rejected He love. The pain I have felt from this rejection is nothing in comparison to the pain of the cross and the rejection. Think about it... He may have been seeking for you, searching, reaching out and you haven't responded..... don't wait.  Answer He call, respond to the love he has waiting to flood your life. You see, scripture talks about our adoption, into His family. He want's you to come to Him.

God is still reaching out to me, I opened fb this morning and the first thing I saw was this:

For some one today. !"God is about to take you where you could not go on your own. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation you are in right now, to shape you and prepare you for wants to bring you into. "Trust Him with His plan even if you don't understand.

So thanks for listening, praying, talking, caring and reading this. I do have to say that the pain is not as intense as it was yesterday, or the day before. I'm learning more and more about myself  and my Savior. I'm also learning who I can trust, and unfortunately who I can't.  Don't worry I still love you... I'm persist that way.

Blessing everyone.... by the way, feel free to share my story.  Hope it can help others.

Just so you know ... this hurts

It's been a few days since the second rejection.... It took a few days to cry, I finally broke down during worship at church on Sunday.. I find it hard to fake being fine in the presence of our Mighty God.  I then broke down before work today and couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurts.

I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.

So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:

1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?

2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.

3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?

4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.

5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.

6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.

7. Sometimes I want to talk about this,  and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.

8. Pray for me.  I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?

If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.

My husband has met her....Could this be over? or just the end of this chapter

Yesterday my husband and I had to drive to NY to pick up our daughter and son in law at the airport. We had taken the day off and were wondering how to make this an adventure and worth the time off. A few days prior I had this idea pop into my head about knocking on my birth mother's day and going from there.  I wasn't sure if this was a God idea or just a plan old idea, I asked some trusted friends to pray for me and about it and mentioned it to my husband.

My prayer was that if it was God's will I would know and follow through, I felt like I would know for sure if this was the right time and thing to do at the last minute.

Don and I left for NY and headed to her town in NJ. About 2 minutes before we got to her house we pulled over and prayed about the whole thing and decided that Don would go up to the door first, to kind of feel things out.... and I guess to protect me from a slammed door.

We got to her house (I took a picture of it) and saw that her car was in the parking spot. Don got out of the car knocked on her door and introduced himself and asked if my name sounded familiar, she said no. He then said well my wife believes that she's your daughter and is in the car and would like to meet you.  She quickly said no and shut the door.

Her action did confirm what we all knew, that I AM HER DAUGHTER!!! She did not say to Don that I was wrong, or that she didn't have this daughter, just a quick no and shut door.

Don says that I resemble her, but she looks older than the fb pics we have seen...

What I have been reminded of is that she has not really rejected me, but has rejected what I represent, the pain and hurt of what brought me into this world, and I guess that that has to be okay. I haven't cried yet but know I will.... you see God is in control... following this I went to visit some wonderful childhood friends, I was invited to celebrate the 100 anniversary of the church I grew up in. There I was surrounded (and grounded) by people who love me and know me and don't care where I came from , just that I have been in their lives... My one friend even turned to me and said.. isn't this amazing that on the very difficult day God has you here with us, with people who love you and know you...

Thank you Jesus for your perfect plan

SO what's next??? I don't know.... you see my birth mom now has flesh and bone and not just a piece of paper and a bad memory.  God can work in her life, as He is in mine.  He can stir her and move her to contact me... or we just call this over... you see she has indirectly confirmed who she is .... that is some of what I have been wanted... a closure of sorts.

I ask you to pray for me as I continue to process the events of 5-15-15...
I ask you to pray for her... I'm sure that yesterday was shocking... she is 70 and could be hard on her. You see I love her, just for choosing life, for having me, and for through her actions giving me this wonderful family and life I have had

Blessings to you.