no news is........no news

As I've been writing this many people have asked if this is for real.  Yes it is, we believe presently that the information I received and the phone call were both fake. I've had one search angel do a quick run of all the information given me and with in 2 hrs replied that my suspicions were well founded.

So this is what this looks like.  Everyday I go to the post office waiting to hear from Albany, Everyday i look thought my e-mail hoping to hear back from my "friend:". Everyday I look at my e-mail hoping to hear from a search angel or the producers of the search television program.  Every other day I go back on the registries and see if there are any updates or matches.  This may sound obsessive.. but all this only takes a few minutes and I move on.

In His time and in His way, things will turn out.  I ask you to pray for me, my families and for the person who created this mess/journey (the "friend").  That His good would come out of this and that I would have peace in this.

I trust in the fact that God is in control and that in His time and purpose I may or may not find the truth.  That what really matters is that He knows what is best for me and if I never find out ... it's for the best.

Do I image a reunion some day.. sure.. but I also image the reunion I will have with my Heavenly Father one day and how much greater that will be. I have a great family who support me and encourage me in all my disappointments (and there have been many this year).

God has some purpose for all his, I may never knew why this happened but I will survive this and be a petter person  having grown through this...

I would love to hear if any of this has spoken to you.  I would love to hear your thoughts and comments.  so let me know.

the truth should set you free

Well, of course I have to keep on looking, but I'm beginning to believe that the information I was given was all wrong.  I stared to look at the people I was told were my family and some things seemed funny.  Having the same name as my mom... ok I get that.. but her being a church secretary ....hmm so am I (it says so on my facebook page.  My brother being a high school teacher at a Christian school..... so was I ...(says so on my facebook page).  My brother being the youth leader at his church..... so am I (says so on my facebook page).  A brother named Daniel with red hair.. I have a son named Dan with red hair.... (yup it's on my facebook page). I was a psych major in college and I've always wondered about the nature / nurture debate, but this seemed almost ridiculous.

I need to know the truth.

Looking for the friend who connected us revealed some interesting things (you don't need to know). but made me more suspicious of that night.  This was beginning to look like some cruel "prank".  I now wonder if I had done something to her in my younger years (I've known her for a good part of my life).  If this was my family why haven't they tried to contact me again. Where else should I look?

I was born in New York so I set my sights to Albany. I was ready to hop into the car and drive there and demand my records... yeah I didn't. I (of course) went on line (http://www.health.state.ny.us/vital_records/adoption.htm ) and found the dept of records site and printed out the form.  I filled it out and notarized it  and sent it to Albany.  I now am waiting for "non identifying information". Lilly had said that they had requested my information in Albany but since it's the adoptee that has the rights, they had to wait for me to request my records. If the Clarkes are my family... I should have information by Christmas.  Really that long? Well apparently it take 6+ months for a person to walk to the file room and pull out the file on the girl born in Hempstead NY on June 22 1963... really!!  Oh patience is such a fun thing.

Is there more I could do???? heck yeah!  I contacted a tv program that reunites people.  I contacted them twice, the first time when I was just looking for the Clarkes and again just 2 days ago with all my suspicions.  I am waiting to hear back.  I've also registered with the official adoption reunion  organization Soundex, including their facebook page.

I also discovered a thing called search angels.  They are people who will do searches for you for free (I know, I've been down that road before, but there is no malice in a person who I have never met who just wants to see people together).

So what now?  I wait!

SO for the reader, what is the lesson here.  Many people run looking for a missing part of their life.  You are told things that seem true, and seem to be too good to be true.  But once you look deeper, you see the holes in it. If you are reading this and have been looking for something to "complete" your life...and haven't found it yet, Look up!.  Look to God. He is the way , the truth , and the light.  I'm looking for the truth of my family, I may not rest until I find .. not them.. but the truth.  If you are missing something.. don't rest until you find it.  go to the right places.  To the Bible, to a church, to prayer.  Don't just go to a friend who tells you something and just believe it, dig deeper, seek further, and don't rest until you find it.  It will be worth it,.  I can face this because I know Jeremiah 29:11 which says:


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

So I can trust in that truth and it gives me the freedom to know that He is in control and when the time comes.. all will be revealed.  and if not.. it's because He has a better plan for me. But the lessons I've learned so for are more valuable then meeting my "family" . I hope these blogs may encourage some of you. That they may make a difference in your walk, life.

I'm not sure if I will continue with this until I have more information... or have learned my lessons. Be blessed!

and they meet the next day and lived happily ever after............. NOT

I was so excited and going over and over in my head the events of that night.  I tried calling back the restricted number but it wouldn't work. I carried my phone with me all the time waiting to hear back.. surely if it was true what Lilly had said to me they would call and we would set up a heart wrenching, emotional reunion.  A perfect love story of a separated mother and daughter... one they write movies about... right?

I contacted the"friend" who had brought us "together" and asked her for the Clarke's contact information.  She gave me some excuse about how her husband had her laptop. this is what she told me:

if anyone asks how,just say a friend helped you. i was told by the state of nc to shut down because i wasn't licensed as a pi. isn't that something? i was not surveying, bugging, taping! and i never gave out info without permission. i have so many people that say their lives changed, etc and still send me updates and pics! and it is rewarding. but i don't want to get into trouble! 

then

iam on diiff comp. have the file on you (sounds so serious-ha) on my laptop which bill has with him and he is visiting a bff of his who is dying and just got denied for a heart transplant. so he may be back tomorrow or may be monday depending on when he feels he can leave him. he is very lost and needs bill. the friend, mark, has a beautiful bus motor home, much nicer than my house! we live on the water and bill is going to try and talk him into coming here and parking it out back by the dock with the awning/door facing the water so it will be a peaceful place. so hopefully tomorrow. if he calls me tonight i will get him to look for me and get it to you sooner. trying not to call him cause i know it is rough there.

That is the last I heard from her. I tried e-mailing her and then come Monday.... her face book page was gone! I was left with all the "information" and nothing else.

If you know me, you know that I spend a lot of time on the computer and knew my way around a few web pages... so armed with this "information" I began my search.  I can tell you all the sites I looked at giving manes and places of this Clarke family,there were many, but none of them came up with any matches.  I went as far as calling all the Christian Schools in Dayton Ohio (that were still holding school since summer break had started in most)  looking for Joshua Clarke.... again nothing... I checked Dayton Ohio church websites for a youth leader named Joshua Clarke.... nothing.  I contacted the Ohio Conference of Churches to see if they could help.  I lovely woman even called me back to let me know that she had searched her data bank and made some inquiries.  She said she found a unlisted J Clarke... but nothing else.

My search continued to include EVERY church webpage in Lebanon County PA for a church secretary named Patricia who was married to the Pastor.... NOTHING (this also included contacting the Lebanon County conference of Churches too.... they never returned my e-mail). I contacted the local Christian radio station and they let me post the info I had on their webpage... nothing.

You guessed, NO Daniel Clarke on Martha's Vineyard either.

I was exhausted and cried out... this had been probably the MOST difficult year of my life ... filled with 3 losses and much disappointment.  As Louie Giglio has put it.... I thought that this was the "bow" the happy ending to a tough period of my life.... no.

There is more searching, but I'll tell you about it later... at this point I want to share with you what God was showing me in all this.

God loves us and desires us to be with Him.  The extent I went to to find these people was great... but not nearly the extent God has gone to to "find" me, to be reunited with me, and for me to "see Him".  He showed me that to the extent I've gone to look for these people, who at this point do not look like they existed, I must pursue Him. Many people do not believe in the existence of God.  If they would make any effort to seek Him ... He can be found.  However, finding Him can be easy... it's the getting to know who He is and spending time in His presence which can be hard.  Have I exhausted all my resources to get to know God?.... I have not.  have you? Am I pursuing Him more?... heck yeah.  Without God. Jesus and the Holy Spirit, there were mornings this past year I would not have been able to get out of bed.... mornings I didn't even feel like breathing... it was just too hard.  I got advice from my hubby and his brother... and followed it.  I pursued God... I read His Word... and meditated on it.. I took my focus off the horrible situations that had surrounded me and focused my attention on Him. I am now functioning again... and healing (this blog is a part of that process).

If you hurt.. pursue God! Use all the resources you have to find Him.

Oh what a night

About a year ago I was looking for a job and one of my old friends was talking to me on facebook and offered me a job as her assistant.  She worked to reunite people and needed someone to do some of her leg work etc.  Well it was just after I had gotten my 5th part time job,  so I said that as much as I would love to do it, that there would be too much on my plate. I told her that this was a thing close to my heart, since I was adopted and always wanted to find out my birth story.  She told me she understood why I couldn't help her out right now but if I gave her my information that she would look for me for free..... that was Oct.  and I really didn't think about it any more.
Then came that night... I had worked late and was really tired.  It was the Fri. of Memorial day weekend and I would be working all weekend.  I signed onto facebook and had checked all the important information of the day, harvested all my crops, played and feed my pets, and played a round or 2 of cards. My friend popped up on chat and said she had some news, she believed that she had found my birth family and if it was ok could they call me?
WOW WOW WOW..was all I could say.
The cell phone rang and a woman named Lilly Clarke was on the other end.  (Normally I wouldn't give out all the information that I am about to.... but if you follow this story you will see why I have).  She was crying and hard to understand at first. She told me that she was married to my birth brother Joshua and that he had been looking for me all his life.... the following may seem disjointed and scattered... but it was 12 am and it's been a few months since this call. My feelings and emotions and the things I've discovered since then may also get in the way,  so the question is how to relay this call to the reader.... here I go.

Lilly told me that my mother was Patricia and had named me Patricia after herself.  That when my mother was 16 she was in love with my father and he had been drafted and was being sent to Vietnam.  He was sent to California for boot camp and Patricia followed him there.  She became pregnant and both of their families  demanded that she return home and place me up for adoption. My "parents" didn't want to, but did any way and had always loved me.... footnote - I can understand why their parents would not want to Patricia to keep me... they had probably been  through WWII and the soldiers didn't come home and raising a baby alone would be hard.
Patricia returned home and gave birth to me ... and placed me up for adoption.

Her story continues (according to Lilly), My father returned from "conflict" and they married.  They loved each other very much and had 2 more children.  Lilly told me that I had a brother named Joshua (her husband) and one named Daniel.  As they were growing up, they prayed for for me everyday at dinner and were looking for me since my fathers return from Vietnam.  They always loved me and wanted to meet me.

Let me tell you what Lilly said about "my family".  Patricia married my father and had lived in New Jersey.  My father had died in 1987 from causes I wasn't told.  She had remarried and was a church secretary living in Lebanon PA (about 45 minutes from here) married to a pastor. They were Christians and according to Lilly, Patricia was sometimes overboard with her faith.
Joshua was married to Lilly and lived in Dayton Ohio, He's a high school teacher at a christian school and the youth leader at their church. They had children... but I don't remember what she said about them.  Joshua had been on mission trips and was a very devoted Christian.  Lilly told me that on their first date, Joshua told her that there was one thing in his life that would be more important than the woman he would marry,  that would be to find his birth sister Patricia.  They had spent thousands of dollars looking and couldn't believe that they had found me...

Daniel was a red head and lived on Marthas Vineyard in Mass.... He was a bit wild and funny and interesting to be around.

This conversation went on for almost 2 hrs. I was told that I was Irish and German.  And I waited to talk to another family member.  Lilly told me that they were all visiting Patricia for the holiday and wanted to meet me as soon as possible, even if they had to stay there for a month. Lilly and Joshua were staying at an Aunt's house since there wasn't enough room in Patricia's home for the entire family.  Joshua had driven over to to tell his mom in person that they had found me.  He had wanted to do it in person since she had some health/heart issues. I told them that I would love to meet them I just had to adjust my schedule.  She asked me not to break their heart, I told them I would never.  She asked if I was mad at them for "giving me up" I told her "by no means".  My daughter was up with me for most of the time and when I needed to process some of the information I would hand off the phone to her (hey blabs... if you want to add any information I forgot... please add it in the comment box).  I was an very emotional and exciting phone call.  Then I noticed that my cell phone was going dead.  I tried to tell Lilly that I needed to start charging it and it might go dead, however.. she was talking and may not have heard me.  I plugged in my phone just as it went dead.  I looked at the number that called and it was "restricted"... I waited a little bit but she didn't seem to call back. It was 2am so I went to bed... but not to sleep and was sooooo excited about what could happen that weekend.

The next morning I looked at the phone... Lilly had tried to call back 2x, but when my phone was still too dead to receive it.  Now what?... would she call again?  would they think I was upset and didn't want to meet them, that I had all the information I wanted?  did she think I hung up?

Was this for real???????????????

enter the internet

It took a while for our family to get the internet in our home.  With the internet came on line registries.  One of the first things I did was look for groups and registries for people effected by adoption.

SO I gave out this information:

female
dob 6/22/63
pob Hempstead NY
agency Nassau County Dept of Public Welfare
possible birth name Patricia Robinson

and waited for any connection, and waited and waited.
It appeared no one was looking for me. But the information was on the world wide web.  Could someone find me?
My information was out there and I just lived my life.  Prayed for my birth family and for the day I could thank her.
The end of the story or the end of the chapter?