It's been a few days since the second rejection.... It took a few days to cry, I finally broke down during worship at church on Sunday.. I find it hard to fake being fine in the presence of our Mighty God. I then broke down before work today and couldn't stop crying. My heart physically hurts.
I find it cathartic to write about my experience and emotions... so I ask those who know me personally not to lecture me about how I should or shouldn't feel, these are MY emotions and most of you are not in my shoes and I really don't think you can truly understand.
So here are some of my thoughts and struggles:
1.Why would God have allowed me to find her only for her to reject me again?
2.This was I day I have dreamed about, imagined, gone over in my head a million times for almost 50 years, this was NEVER the outcome I imagined.
3. I'm a good person, I love Jesus, and I strive to follow and honor him. Do I deserve to be treated like this?
4. This woman may have rejected me again (or rejected what I represent) but she is still my flesh and blood, I truly can't see how I could just let this go. Could you just let go of your flesh and blood? seriously? I can however move forward... but she will always and forever be a part of who I am... how to you walk away from that? SO please don't bad mouth her. I'm not mad at her really.
5. I Hurt!!! I can still smile, laugh, joke, love, sing, dance, but understand that right now while I'm doing that... I am hurting too. I may also be a it prickly right now.. sorry, I'm trying not to be.
6. I know that God has a plan for me, not to harm me but to give me a hope and a future. And in this He is making me more into His image.... but sometimes this process is painful.
7. Sometimes I want to talk about this, and sometimes I don't...it's okay to ask me.. I'll let you know how I feel about talking right now.
8. Pray for me. I won't just get over this... but I will get better... I will learn to deal with this in time. Can you give me that time?
If you're reading this right now and are struggling in your reunion journey... Let me know, I'll pray for you.. I've you've been where I am now and have healed.... share some of your tools to handle this, and to all the rest of you... Love those who are in your lives, hug them and kiss them often. and treasure the gifts God has given you.
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